Jason Kelly

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RUN 2031 – 5/4/21. COMMITTEE RUN FROM THE GRAPES HOTEL

The penultimate run of the Donuts regime coincided with our first non-daylight savings run since September 30th 2019; a time when most of us had never heard of Zoom meetings, QR codes, “social distancing” or coronaviruses. The past 12 months have been challenging for us all, but Hash prevailed through these uncertain times and there a sense of normality has returned. Credit and gratitude to both this year’s GM, Donuts, and Fascinator last year, for their agility in steering the Hash ship through these rough seas (they did a hell of a lot better than the Captain of the Ever Given).

27 Hashers arrived at the Grapes on this Easter Monday, with 14 runners and 8 walkers setting off on a 4.5km clockwise loop, reaching as far as Cobden St, before returning along the Yarrowee trail to the White Flat cricket ground. There we were treated to a well-stocked drinks stop and entertained by the Medieval Games taking place under the floodlights of White Flat. (SS said that back when he was a child medieval games were just called “Games”)

Back at the circle, Donuts welcomed back Normal, Her Vag, Fop, NBCL, Squizzy, DimWit, Dr Death and The Bill.  Get a life 

SniffyCunt runs: Plucka 303, Campaspee 70 (1 better than a 69)  this is your down down song 

After originally thinking he was going to screw Plucka, a disappointed stand in Screw, Shafted, then sung the screw to the old 80’s hit “He’s My Number One”. Whilst it took us a while to catch the tune it was a typically entertaining Shafted song describing how Donuts is our number 1, and awarded the run “ A 100 out of 100 is the highest mark you can score ”. (we won’t point out that the original was performed by Christie Allen and not Sheena Easton).  Shitty Trail 

Sergeant Quick Dick began his charges:

Squizzy – Holding the door shut to prevent us from leaving the pub

NumNum – Her torch batteries were in the drawer beside the bed (inside the vibrator)

Teflon – the only gentleman with a torch

 No No No 

QD then announced that he had a “compendium of charges" for Mountie, all revolving around being an Arsehole on the run and getting the pack lost. Whilst orating his compendium, QD made a few grammatical errors, and Dr Death was happy to correct them. QD then withdrew Mounties “Arsehole of the week” award and gave it to Dr Death.  Give us an Aye 

There were many charges from the floor including: NumNum and Dim Wit for using Hash Halts to their advantage, and Nutsy and DnC for being the best dressed Hash bar flies.  Do your tits hang low 

Squizzy then outwitted Dim Wit with his joke; He was looking up his ancestry online and his Great, Great Aunt had 15 children. Her name was Fanny Aiken  Mrs Murphy 

Dinner was then ready to be served, Next Week's Run is the Bus Trip. Meet at the City Oval at 6pm SHARP

Rowdy’s traditional Midnight Run at Slatey Creek. 29-3-’21.

 

This will only take 5 minutes, so you won’t need to phone in

sick. No Logistics Art Project, you won’t need Google, & the

only thought of a Hobbit is that Tommy Half a Bar found his

way to Slatey.

Reverence called & GM Donuts gave a welcome back to Exit.

Runners headed off for their 5k, walkers taking to the long

loop, with just some confusion along the way, eventually

reaching the styrene Drink-stop planted in the bush, just

metres from home.

Back at the Circle, the sprinkle of free campers heard their first

voice of Hash Harrying, with Half a Bar’s “no fuckin’ swearin”.

GM Donuts welcomed Exit again – this time with a drink.

Come forward stand-in Choirmaster Half a Bar. (Get a life ...).

Screw Bentnose was next, saying “How good is the serenity

of the bush?” In the background ... “Just like Bonny Doon”.

Even though it was “beaut in the bush”, walkers began to lose

faith, until some of the runners came from behind. “Listen to

the people” sang out Just Cum & Mrs Dickhead. Some of the

uphill was shit, but the last 2k was good. Score -1, the hour to

adjust your clock. S.F.F.B.     (Shitty trail ... ).

Mrs D was there working Half a Bar just like Gerry Gee, hand

up the back.

Spencer Hocking trotted out the usual ‘mathematicals’,

re: the Sniffy Runs. Num Num 666, Campaspee 69, D&C 229,

Juz Cum 44, Dumber 1243, Pennyfarthing 689, Gilf 345,

Teflon 234, Chuck & Lee 5, Spence 1255.

                           (Your down down song).

Before the Run, Fascinator “may have fucked up again”,

asking at the 11^th hour for the Hash plates, & then a phone call

to Spence, to pick up some bread.   (Give us an A ....).

Spence charged Hare Rowdy, for telling Dim Wit via the

phone, to “head north (instead of south) off the bitumen”.

Spence thought, no problem, we won’t miss Dim Wit’s

joke anyway.                 (You’re stupid ... ).

BP had a drink for phoning during the Circle, & Juz Cum for

her comment, “If you’re not on Facebook, just come”.

D&C charged Rowdy for his navigation, having them head off

towards Bungaree.            (You’re stupid ... ).

From the Run, Nutcracker shouted Teflon for leaving the

runners for dead, when they couldn’t see trail, & Gilf took one

for the Cycle Hash & her mishap. Then there was a call for all

the Harriettes who aren’t “cycling” anymore !!

                          ( Your down down song ... ).

Nutcracker gave D&C a Birthday Drink for her big day next

Sunday.          (Put it in your hand Mrs Murphy ... ).

Rowdy then charged Nutcracker ...... as Normal is a larger

c*nt than Mastabait, so too is Nutcracker larger than D&C.

Nummy charged Dumber for his reaction to her, in bed

saying, “Hi, I used to be hetero“.

              (C.U.N.T. they all look like big cunts to me ... ).

Bentnose charged Mrs D for having to help Half a Bar,

seeing as Bar Licker’s whole life is spent helping him.

                           (Oughta be ..... ).

Glasses were raised & the Hash Anthem sung to our Dear

Departed Hashers – Glider, Heavy, Midnight, Half a Bra,

Arso, Sorry, Crunt, Big Balls & Russell up the Publican.

Bentnose was stand-in Stand Up ... Jewish man Half a Bar

riding with Pakistani cabbie .... what chance of 2 serial killers

in the one car ??

The tasty bill of fare was sliced pork roll, chicken pieces, lots

           of seasoning (yum!) & salads.

          Next week’s run, Hare Plucka, On On ... dunno !!

          If you’re on Facebook, Just Cum.

 

 

 

Bevan Kelly

t1d2Spondsocreidh  · 

Donut’s runs hash consistently. Never is there a full committee. So, when too many committee members had shown up, he took one for the team and left Fascinator in charge. When you’re trying not to fuck up, that’s a bad way to go about it.

Since being the scribe is the hash equivalent of being Ingsoc’s Ministry of Truth, Mountie can be safely assured that the run did not leave 15 minutes late. The run was a short and sweet 3 and a 1/3 kilometre run through all two of Learmonth’s noteworthy destinations, a hill top look out and the sometimes sailing lake (not this time). Upon returning, Fascinators attempts at imitating Spencer’s numerical flow left him with dual classification of being enumerate and innumerate. Welcomes back include the Republic of Rwanda, Quick Dick, Ms Retched, Teflon, GILF, and (conveniently the week after the Women’s March) ScoMo. At this point, Fascinator slipped right back into his role as grand master and uttered “I already fucked up there” (get a life). Sniffy cunt runs for the evening included the Bill, who pulled a Matrix Reloaded and got a 69 between the 1 and the 0 (1690), as well as Campaspe, who, on 68, is gearing up for her first 69 (your down down song, it isn’t very long). It was at this point in the evening that Fascinator noted that he was certain to be lambasted.

And lambasted he was, by our screw Bent Nose. In the 1920s, Henry Ford said of his new automobiles “Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black”. Taking a que from Mr Ford, Fascinator told us to expect a run that would be followed by the greatest drink stop and greatest barbeque hash had ever seen. You can have anyone you like, so long as it’s the run. Bent noted that the run went down Morton Street, an attempt on Bent’s own ego. I myself missed the reference, but unlike the Phillip Henry with which it shares its name, I’m not opposed to jokes about Morton Street. The run was label distinguished, with walkers finding trail on their way, as well as the innovative use of a white capped mushroom as a trail marker. Bent lauded the location following the walker’s decision to walk along the dried lake, an idea that was promptly abandoned less than 15 metres later. Returning to his binary system of yester weeks, Bent Nose awarded the run a 0. He then promptly removed 74 marks in honour of the uphill kilometres he didn’t have to run, leaving a final grade of -74 (shitty trail).

It was then time for the long awaited return of hashes screw, Quick Dick. Proceedings kicked off with discussions of the sausage. Whilst Dr Death had been lambasted himself for getting too keen and burning some, GILF was questioned about being on her third sausage, without going near the barbeque (he’s hungry?). Shafted was also charged at this time. Following an encounter with some ravenous dogs on the run, we finally witnessed something that moved slower than his horses. Stitch the dog was also charged for looking like Bent Nose, but also Tom Hanks, after his defecation on the run left him Forrest Dump. Rwanda took the drink for him, presumably making her Robin Wipe. Head Hunter was also bought forward. It was noted that her comments on the run were a bit lewd, as she began comparing the various mounts to her fellow harriets, equating hill size to the sizes of her fellow ladies, yet she did not tell us was blow hard (publicly pissed on).

Num Num was also bought forward and a familiarly request was made. Since her promotion to an immuno nurse, surely, she could smuggle some jabs into hash to assist the Bill and SS. The charges then turned to hash gear. Not a lack of, but the presence of Campaspe’s tag still on her shirt. She was then joined by failed martial arts guru Chuck Lee, who had been complaining about the food they received upon returning from holiday and staying in quarantine, which would be nothing compared to Dr Death’s barbeque. The doctor himself also had a celebrity look alike. Whilst gathering bread to cover for Fascinator’s fuck up, the doctor returned resembling SEN 1116 host and occasional football legend Dermot Brereton (U.G.L.Y).

Ever the one for highbrow humour, Dumb informed us all that Pennyfartyhing’s niece had recently becoming the butt of a mechanics joke. Named Ellen, she had recently tied the note with a man, surnamed Key. Ever the gentlemen too, Dumb, alongside Bent Nose, were applauded for falling behind the pack to take a piss on the walk. They were similarly mocked for their confidence that anyone would have looked. The Bad Head Job was also charged (Precious will do) for his overly enthused musical performance at the mall, whilst Teflon was called out for pretending to complete the run. When he noted that he at least ran up the hill, Quick Dick sternly informed him that everyone who has ever run in Learmonth has ran up that same hill (you’re stupid). As the night drew on and the fire burnt longer, Shafted was again put forward to applaud the fact that he had successfully removed all the smoke from the fire by relocating the smoke to the barbeque. It’s at this point I’d like to say “Fuck Normal” cause he won’t have read this far. There were also talks of a new Mazda 3, belonging to Head Hunter and Quick Dick, but since cars are on average 1,324 times heavier than a shoe, they just drank out of their cups instead. And to close the charges, Bent Nose regaled the tale of an overly enthused Fascinator arriving at the drink stop and asking for “an F” and then asking for “an A”, with Bent more than prepared to give him sweet FA (no, no, no).

Like most weeks, next weeks run might be at Slatey Creek and there might be a committee. Donuts and his committee have shown great strength when displaying their true ‘might’. There might be a sergeant, there might be a screw, there might be a grand master. Only next week will tell. And finally, if anyone has any issue with the factual validity of this blog, please consult the hash equivalent of the Ministry of Love, which is drinking so much piss on the Mystery Bus tour that you damage your medial temporal lobe.

10Jason Kelly, Jacki Fowler and 8 others

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Bevan Kelly

YeffstterSponcnsegoSdlsranfeeye aocgt 0itha0:d26  · 

Once again FOP has taken the concept of de-scribing the run to the next level, his literality leaving his son to once again scribe. The run set out from “Pebble’s Park” (real name may vary) and lead the pack through an adventurous and hitherto unrun territory. Before delving into further detail, one must first understand this hare. Shafted is a man incapable of becoming lost. You may lose him, but he is never lost. As such, the run was concocted from the bizarre mental atlas that is Shafted’s mind. But since many of his runner were not themselves Atlas, many succumb to the weight of such an extreme task and no less five hashers were lost as a result. With Tommy Half A Bar amongst the lost, Bar Licker reacted with a resounding and subtly heartfelt indifference. The on afters then proceeded at a house with no power that we were certainly legally allowed to attend.

Following the run, Donuts welcomed back the likes of Dr Death, his esteemed partner, Dr Rowdy, Boner, The Bill, Dim Wit and Shafted’s Stephen Hillenburg-esque brother, SquarePants. Donuts also welcomed new runner, star of the 2019 Netflix original comedy Tall Girl, Jorja (get a life). This was then followed on by the calculated genius of one Spencer Hocking to inform us of our sniffy cunt runs. He was set to present a spectacular display of mathematical genius that he had prewritten but couldn’t read any of it since Shafted hadn’t turned the power on. The night then presented its first great surprise when Spencer Hocking and Tommy Half A Bar final reached the same page. Having been thrown on the spot by Spence, Half A Bar was indeed capable of informing us that 7 + 6 = 13. To show just how alike the two had become, Half A Bar then proceed to inform us that the digit sum of 13 is 4 and that’s the “square root of some fucking thing”. It was at this point that Campaspe was also out the front. If you or someone you know has any information about why Campaspe was out the front, please contact us on 1800 333 000. The final sniffy cunt run was held by Jorja, with only one. One is an important number of runs, because it’s one too many and you can still opt out (give us an a).

Spencer Hocking then informed hashes own Bletchley Park that one is known as the identity number, it’s its own digit sum, its own square and its own square root. With his pristine ears however, Half A Bar only heard the words Jorja and root and was quickly reminded that women all across the nation were today marching because nothing bad happened and Scotty has it under control (you’re stupid). Since Spence was also the sergeant for the evening, he bought SquarePants out the front and stood him next tertiary runners, Public Enemy founder, Chuck Dee. Whereas Chuck Dee had come 3 times in 3 weeks, SquarePants had only managed to come once a year (who lives in a pineapple).

At this point stand in screw Dumb reminded us that we had gotten ahead of ourselves and that he still needed to screw the run. When Dumb’s screwing abilities were called into question, Num reaffirmed that they were “excellent”, a statement that was immediately redacted when he called the run the “best marked”. He noted that the dry cattle paddocks reminded him of the dried-up lake, before voicing a vehement disdain for the runs lack of ducks, even in its own duck populated dam. The run was deemed a bit disjointed, yet also fabulous. As such the run was awarded a 9. It is at this point that I will remind you that last week’s run was judged on a binary system. If your computer starts to display 9s in binary, it may be a little fucked. With a 9 as a numerator and no supplied denominator, the runs score is also redundant, and Shafted was taken away along with his brother, because “one Foster drinks, all Foster’s drink” (shitty trail).

With the charges now continuing, Fascinator charged the Foster’s yet again. He regaled that when Tommy Half A Bar was a young boy, he was bathed lager. An odd tradition, it wasn’t until years later that he realized he had been fostered. Fascinator then pondered whether Tommy begins tales of his youth with “when I was little”. And of course, if one bar drinks, all bars drink (Finnish drinking song). The next charge went to Precious for writing the ‘Amra Ekta Cinema Banabo’ of blog posts. Legend holds that he will one day create the ‘Logistics Art Project’ of blog posts, yet this remains to be seen (fuck him). Mrs. D then called upon Rowdy and asked that he make a bid to bring the COVID vaccine with him. Since its target demographic is those aged 70 and above, it would not be amiss at hash. The walking cane wielding Boner then charged Tommy and SS for leading him astray and making him walk what could only be seen as an additional 10 kilometres (you’re stupid).

Jorja and Boner were then called forward to tell the group one thing about themselves, le university ice breaker style. Jorja recounted that she stands 6 foot 1 inch tall, with Boner noting that he does not stand 6 feet and 1 inch tall. Enthralling. Nutcracker was also called out the front and asked why she wasn’t off with the other women in Canberra. This very targeted charge was, apparently, because she is the most feminist of all the hash women, allegedly (Mrs. Murphy).

Charges from the run saw Fascinator charge Shafted. After his previous run saw us taken past burnt out cars in the bush, he kept his theming consistent by taking the run through a burnt out paddock this time. Unsurprisingly, the ancient proverb was recanted, “one Foster, all Foster’s”. Shafted was further charged for not skimping on any costs. While most people setting a run would stoop to cheap drinks, Shafted didn’t just pay 75 extra cents, he paid 75 cents period for 70% off can of Mountain Dew. SquarePants was also charged himself, because rather than helping the hash women across the treacherous “bridges” that his brother had led them across, SquarePants sat with his camera, ready to film an mishaps (publicly pissed on).

Tommy then charged Pennyfartyhing for abusing his gentlemanly nature. When met with a fence, Tommy offered to give her a leg up in order to assist her over the fence. Upon lifting her up, Tommy was meet with a conundrum, should he drop Pennyfartyhing or continue to let her spread the dog shit she had just stood in on his hand. This was unanimously determined to be a rebound (hold it in your hand). Chuck Dee and Bar Licker were then charged for their missing partners, as well as their very newfound interests in wills. Jorja was bought forward to give her professional, first year criminology degree opinion on wills. And because if one criminal drinks, all criminals drink, we found ourselves amiss of a criminal. So Dumb will do, he’s a used car salesman after all (no no no).

The penultimate end to proceedings, Fascinator was called forward. As the religious advisor, he was chastised for letting family member pass away, this time being Fang’s father (I might have fucked up). And to close out the night, the much anticipated return of Dim Wits jokes. What’s the difference between an oh and an ah? About 3 ½ inches. As result, next weeks run will be held at 409 High Street Learmonth, by Fascinator. Hashers are advised to bring back any awards they may have (dis)honorably received, and to keep the 12th and 19th and maybe other dates (I don’t know I wasn’t listening) free for the Mystery Bus Tour and the AGM.

8Jason Kelly, Jacki Fowler and 6 others

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