Bevan Kelly

Admin

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Run # 2109, 19 September 2022.

The Committee from North Gardens.

It’s time… for Dr Death’s run… oh wait…

Pusbucket welcomed all to the quasi equinox. He asked Spencer Hocking what the square root of the digit sum of 2109 was, to which Spence proudly let Hash know that he doesn’t do that anymore and Tommy Half a Bar asked “who’s done a root?” (You’re stupid)

The run was the footy themed run, so the focus moved to teams that slipped a bit. Juscum, DnC and Num came out the front for Carlton. (We are the Navy Blues)

Campaspe took the stand for the screw. She began by giving compliments to the RA for the nice weather, before giving bigger compliments to hare for a lack of slime in the beer. The map of the week seemed to resemble a semi erect penis with some bush. The run was deemed “well marked but had to do a few on backs, enjoyed the flat run”. (Shitty Trail)

Welcomes back to Her Vaj, who we all thought had died. The Collingwood supporters were also bought out the front. Carlton may have missed on the finals by 1 point, but Collingwood missed the big one by 1 point. (She’s a harriet)

Spencer started his charges and bought all the finals losers out the front. All the Dogs, Pies and Demons supporters. (No no no)

There was a visual gag, which kinda didn’t work. On a theme of numbers, the footy attendance was 77677, which led to discussion of Precious’ number being 219 on run 2109. He then got Her Vaj and Pusbucket out the front to drink off for the AFL premiership. (What a wank)

Significant runs are back and included Shafted with 747, Campaspe with 131, and Lois Lane on the penultimate palindrome, 999. Other significant runs included the runners in the future, with Dumb and Dumber and Tommy Half a Bar signing the book for next weeks run, as well as Fascinator allegedly completing 2023 runs as per the book. (Build a bonfire)

It was then noted that, with Her Vaj dying, Pusbucket was now King, which makes Mountie Queen. (God save the king)

Pauline then wasted time with a rugby charge aimed at Mrs D. Fascinator asked when was the last time the French won the Bledisloe? The Thursday prior. Pusbucket then explained that the “bar”flies had been discussing the Brownlow and Tommy had expressed that he found one of the men attractive, to which Normal responded “I’m gay and I think he’s ugly”. DnC then explained that she had been at the Nuts household and had tooted the horn with no response. She then called Nutcracker who stated she and Nut Bush Clitty Licker had walked halfway to the Den. (Give us an aye)

Fascinator then told one of his jokes. In a rare turn of events, this one could be seen as having been funny. Pusbucket asked Mountie why she was up upset. Mountie said that with the Queen dead, they now have a King. Pusbucket told her to cheer up, with the king you can do cooking, talking and fucking. Fascinator himself was charged. There are three people who should know their way around town, taxi drivers, ambos and real estate agents, yet he got the runners lost. (Mrs Murphy)

Mrs D was charged with a rebound because it’s not Fascinators job to sell paths. Precious was charged as well for making people run all the onbacks. (A soul)

Spencer Hocking was charged for abandoning numbers after he failed to notice that the equinox is on the 21/09, with the equinox run being run number 2109. (Finnish drinking song)

Pink Bits was charged for snorting, farting and burping in front of the King. The Queen Consort joined her out the front. Bent Nose was charged because, despite there being no training for Hash, Bent returned from a holiday miraculously able to run. Pusbucket joined his consort out the front with calls they be renamed King Puss and Queen Chlamydia. (U.G.L.Y)

Towards the end of the night, the age old adage “what’s better than beating Collingwood” saw Swans supporter Pusbucket and Pies support Nutcracker out the front. (They outta be publicly pissed on)

Big Dog then got a drink cause he hadn’t had one. DnC joined him because she had gone looking for his place of work around Lake Gardens. It was deemed quite appropriate that an old bitch would be sniffing around a Big Dog. King Puss and Lois came out the front with the cautionary tale that Lois has had many a shit significant run under many a GM, so the King has warning to get the big one right. Pauline was then charged, alongside Her Vaj, for his incredible return from the dead. (His one skin)

Next weeks run is in commemoration of King Charles, set from the Royal Mail. Spence says to preorder your meals prior to the run

 

Bevan Kelly

Admin

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Run # 2108, 12 September 2022.

Nutcracker and DnC from the East Bowling Club

It’s time… for more of the fabulous east.

Nutcracker was first bought out the front. Of all the runs for it to happen on, Hash was astounded that the weather had slipped so dramatically on the Ras own run. DnC joined her, as DnC was pretty keen to take credit for the run. (B I M B O)

The Campaspe is back and fully running. The map of the day saw a few people surveyed, with a general consensus that it was a rotten pumpkin, to go with the rotten beer (we’ll get back to that later). Several things of note about the run; too many hills; it rained; big sections without markings. On a positive, at least Campaspe didn’t have to complete any on backs. Then, the beer at the drink stop. Campaspe cracked a beer and it tasted a little funny. Tried it again and it tasted a little funny. As she poured it out, the slime began to run out of can. (Shitty trail)

Spencer Hocking was then presented with his committee shirt. And in the pinnacle of comedy for the night, he removed 8, count ‘em 8, layers before he put the shirt on. Pusbucket then warned that a significant portion of the ground had developed aibophobia, the fear of palindromes, in Spence’s absence. Pusbucket then began a joke. He called Spence a great numbers man, then in real life Tommy Half a Bar walked himself out the front unprompted, then Pusbucket said Spence stuck two numbers to his front fence, everyone laughed, and Pusbucket went with it. (He’s the meanest)

Tommy and SS stood out the front to be given the good and bad news for the Demons. Bad news, they’re outta the finals. Good news, time to go to the snow. (You’re stupid)

The monarchist representatives were then bought out the front. BP (Bent will do) and Lois were informed of the good news and the bad news. Bad news. Liz is gone. Good news, Jughead is in and a republic is in. (God save the KING)

Spence and Quick Dick took the stage for the greatest double act since Shafted salvaged Dr Death’s time as sergeant. Mountie and Dumb were bought out the front to represent those with tough feelings about the queen. But more disappointing for those ruling by birth right was Brisbane beating Melbourne. (Brisbane song?)

A charge was made of Her Vaj dying, and when she did she had a Wee Problem. But King Charles definitely had a Boner. (Get back in the kitchen)

Bad Hair Day and Nutcracker were bought out the front. Nutcracker was charged for not being able to set a run and appropriately RA at the same time. BHD was charged because when it started to rain, he pulled his hood on to protect his hair. Mountie was also charged for complaining about someone signing in her spot in the book and asking “who wrote their name here?” (No no no)

Juscum, Big Dog and Wee Problem were commended for wearing black in mourning of the queen. (This is your down down song)

The circle then heard of Campaspe’s neurotic cleanliness, with the warning she may have been checking everyone’s shoes later for dog shit. Mountie was charged, because Hash had heard of a conspiracy to kill King Charles and Hash reckons Mountie is the leader. (Finnish drinking song)

Nutcracker and the Bill were charged. The Bill once insightfully said “it never rains on the run”. This caused some hashers to be late, as they saw the rain and assumed the rain could not have yet started. (Give it a blow)

Nutcracker was commended for getting the weather right inside the venue, where it was nice and warm. Pusbucket then told a joke, there was some discussion about the Bill and Mountie calling each other, and we all had a good laugh at Pauline’s health crisis. Mrs D then fucked the song and joined them out the front. (Why were they born)

Pink Bits then came out the front for stating she didn’t know she had a matte. Mrs D joined her for going to work with two different shoes on. (This is your down down song)

The Barflies were then called out the front. As you know, you are what you eat, and the barflies were the only attendees that night not to be wet cunts. The president of the club then took the final drink. (What a wank)

Next Weeks run is Dr Death from the Den, football theme

 

Bevan Kelly

Admin

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Run # 2107, 5 September 2022.

Road Runner from the North Britain

It’s time… for the biggest run of the year… apparently.

Described as a “Cast of thousands”, the Road Runner managed to bring everyone out for a night of running, drinking and Looney Tunes.

Welcomes backs included Pimp, Zig, Spencer Hocking, SOS, Beer Fuck and Campaspe. But the biggest welcome back went to the highly elusive, rarely seen but oft mentioned, near complete committee. Quoting MLK, the GM PUsbucket thanked God declared himself free at last from the constant stand ins. (Get a life)

Hash said hello again to the running Campaspe. Although, this Campaspe apparently didn’t run, simply walking. But she did ask those who did the run. She was advised there quite a few on backs, before advising that the walker trail looked kinda like a BBQ spatula. She also noted that quite a few people had made surprise returns, and commended Road Runner for properly catering the drink stop for these unexpected attendees. (Shitty trail)

Then came the big news of significant runs. Head Hunter has reached 200 runs, with Quick Dick quoting “it’s about time slacker”. But this paled in the significance of Boner’s first official run as a Ballarat Hasher. (20 toes)

Pusbucket then gave the run down of the barflies evening. He described Rear Entry going about his usually affairs before heading to the drink stop at SOS’s. Once there, everyone went to admire the cute baby, before Rear Entry showed up and made the baby cry. Pusbucket then spoke of Tommy Half a Bar telling Barlicker “If you could learn to cook, we wouldn’t need to go out for dinner so much. Or, if you could learn to wash, we wouldn’t have such a big laundry bill” to which Barlicker responded “That’s alright Tom, if you could learn to fuck, we could get rid of the gardener”. (U.G.L.Y)

Pusbucket then described the elegant sufficiency of sergeants that Hash had found itself with. QD was instructed to start, allowing the out of form Spence to get his charismatic mojo back before joining in.

QD added to the scribe’s description of the run, explain that Road Runner may have been describing his penis when he described the run. “Small, well-marked, and mostly on backs”. The Bill joined him for “alcohol abuse” being told “you know what you did”. Dr Death and Pimp rounded out the motley crew as Pimp had appeared on the TV and the only Hash shout out he gave was to Dr Death (one doctor). (He’s the meanest)

SS was then bought out the front in memory of Splash’s recently departed wife. (Give us an aye)

SOS and SS were bought out for a father’s day charge, seeing as they were both the oldest and youngest father’s in attendance. Tommy was charged for trying to watch “Farmer wants a wife and mistaking it for Farmer wants a Ewe”. Lois Lane bought herself out the front when she told the joke; “what did the cross eyed circumciser get? The sack”. (Mrs Murphy)

Beer Fuck then told a very long joke about Tommy Half a Bar working in a sex shop. It was funny, but we don’t have all day. This scribe is already late and we gotta cut corners to make up the time. But trust me, it was funny. DnC joined Tommy for showing up late and still catching. In fact, it was stated that various Hashers could hear her calling out “On on” from the back. That was until she got closer and it was realised that she was saying “hey Siri”. Road Runner was bought out the front with a thank you for the girly drinks and their accompanying pregnancy warning. (B I M B O)

Shafted then made a visual gag that somewhat didn’t work and charged Bent Nose for it. You had to be there. Shafted was charged for training a winner horse, but not giving a tip to Dr Death who pays half the training fees. (No no no)

Wee Problem was charged for being a premiership player, with Nut Bush Clitty Licker being charged as the coulda been back to back to back coach if he didn’t decide to fuck off. Wee Problem got another charge for making 100 games. And, in the peak of Hash comedy, Rear Entry was asked to sing the Richmond song. (We are Geelong)

Zig was charged for driving up from Geelong and knocking on Tommy’s old address. Big Dog joined him on a hypothetical. If dogs have a legendary sense of smell, why do they need to shove it up another dogs ass? (Finnish drinking song)

The Master Baiter was then charged for hosting an orgy at his house. BHD was bought out as a representative for vaccinations. Num and Dumb joined then. It was regaled that Dumb had asked Num “was I first man you made love to?” to which Num responded “were you backstage at the Rolling Stones concert”. Boner closed out the charges. With everyone making a big deal about someone bringing Boner to one run, Precious mentioned it wasn’t a big achievement, he’s bought a boner to 217 runs. (down down down)