Tuesday, September 17, 2019

16 - 9 - '19     Run 1949     Irish Murphy's

The Dr's done it again - off on another sabbatical - this time, 
allegedly up North, for a Welcome to Country & to pay respects
to the Emerging.
The Grand Master had been in a spin, with the Buninyong Run
being cancelled, until the stand-in Hares stepped up - FOP &
Her Vag, for the run around the fabulous East. He'd posted a
16:49 step-off, but no-one was there that early, & we got away
by 18:49 !! Dimwit had off loaded the horn earlier into a bin by 
Buxton's, for collection by others.
First, a welcome to new runner Dr Sharon, then FOP told us
about the 'live hare' since trail had been washed out, it's about
5.5 km & there's a Wet Check.
After a HH (Heavy Halt) by his old res in Nicholson St., the Wet
Check of port, water & lollies turned out to be at Pop Fop's place.
Trail continued on FOP's old school route (Brother who?) to 
St Alipius, then on to the Drink-stop & Down Downs at the Good
Guy's undercover park.
At the Circle, a welcome drink for Dr Shazza, & as all Dr's drink,
you too Quickdick
                        (Why were they born so ........... ).
Welcome back to Glider, Exit, Nutbushclittylicker, Mountie,
Pusbucket & Pebbles.
Glider presented his "handy worked" goblets to Quickdick to 
mark his 100th run, & as all Dr's drink, you too Shazza.
                   (There's a game called 20 toes .........).
Sniffyc*nt runs - Lois Lane 888, FOP 388, D&C 161, & 
Shazza 1, & as all Dr's drink ..... Quickdick.
                    (Put it in your hand Mrs Murphy ........ ).
Birthday Boy FOP was next,
                     (Hashy Birthday f*ck you ...........).
Shafted was up for a Screw - would it be FOP or Her Vag ?
He said that it was a great run (but he wasn't on it!!). He 
presented Men's Health show bags to the combined Hares,
then proceeded with his re-hashed words to Jim Croce's
"Operator" for Fascinator.
                      (Shitty Trail ......... ).
Sergeant Mountie was back & had drinks for Bitchface,
Num Num, Pebbles, Fascinator, Her Vag & Glider -
1949 was the year the Irish f*cked the Poms off.
                   (Put it in your hand Mrs Murphy ...... ).
FOP (the nearly Dr) was next - the more Birthdays you 
have, the longer you live ...... & all Dr's drink Quickdick 
& Shazza.
Spencer Hocking had Quickdick out for 100 being the
digit sum of 1 & so is Shazza's No 1 ...... all Dr's.
Just then, the look-alike of Shafted's red truck, minus trailer
did a circuit, to a rousing rendition of "F*ck off ya c*nt, f*ck off".
Quickdick was out again for his role in the biodigester, & as
all Dr's drink ....... Shazza.
1949 was a good year - birth of Exit & Half a Bar.
                      (This is your down down song ........ ).
Nutcracker's shout for the Mates - D&C & NBCL for D&C's
jocks being on the clothesline.
                      (The wiggle of her arse ....... ).
A group hug to the closed circle finished the Down Downs,
& back for a Guiness & food.

Next week's run - No 1950, Hare Spartacus, On on GC's. 

Friday, September 13, 2019

Shit Hot Curry of the Year
Run 1948 Hare Bent Nose, from his place. 9.9.19
Run 1948, in commemoration of the Indian Independence from Britain, had Bent promise the shit hot run of the year. The run was perfunctory, essentially straight lines south and then north, largely in lane ways (no shit carts seen, and Rear Entry also sadly absent). It must also be pointed out that India actually gained independence in 1947, so the run was both perfunctory and pointless. Not the shit hot run he was hoping for.....
The pack set off at 1847 hrs, initially like sheep up the footpath without any trail, until the hare on his bicycle set them straight. Shafted appeared as the pack exited the driveway, and joined in without further ado. A healthy pack of walkers did their loop, while the unhealthy barfly drove his new car slowly to the drinkstop at Boot Rooter's garage. There it was warm, with heating and tables to rest drinks and nibbles on (note to Bent).
Once settled back in to the cold and bare shed, Fascinator welcomed both Dimwit AND the horn. (fuck off, ya c*nt)
Shafted, rubbing against the grain, attended with a smaller horn which he blew incessantly and melodically.
Welcomes back also to Nummy, Mrs D, Normal, and Fucken Squizzy. Fascinator then christened "a fucking awesome run", and called Donuts out the front with the news of his new grandson, exciting all the women in the shed. SS, also, had a charge for his grandfatherly news of the last 7 days. (20 toes)
A Screw with a tail, began "has everyone got the text I sent?".
"Beautiful" was said a number of times, in reference to the run, the timing of the start, all the mining stuff, and the precisely engineered trail.
A book, "The Brothers Bent" was produced to much acclaim. It appears judgemental behaviour is inherited. Somewhere in the banter (after he was labelled by Shafted as Mr Ray Candle), Bent was heard to say "I'll never be a fat cunt." Right again Ray, you're not fat.
Shit, I've forgotten to organise a Sergeant.

Spencer Hocking stepped up manfully.
Quick Dick 99, Head Hunter presented with a very tough, unbroken goblet. (Oh, the wiggle of her arse... )
BP was accused by Lois of using the family heirloom tablecloth as a bike cleaning rag (Shame, shame). A family down down resulted.
Dimwit was charged for being a referee for George Pell, and tried a zinger about his illness (girl flu). Donuts was labelled as PILF for the night.
Nutcracker had a drink for being the mother of a premiership winning player, and the partner of a losing coach. Dr Death was charged in absentia for Mad Monday, and as one Dr drinks, both of the others drinked.
SS was heard to say it was minus three degrees this morning. Shafted commented that that was almost an erection.
A few references were made re the plethora of bikes in the shed, missing of course the one Fang stole 25 years ago.
Fascinator then had 20 minutes of house keeping, announcing every run for the next 3 months. Next week, Crown Hotel Buninyong, then, somewhere that begins with L, and a pink tie night in the middle of October.
We all had a moment's reflection on the untimely passing of Danny Frawley, then adjourned to the Aroma of India for the shit hot curry of the year. Most were quite content.

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Run 1947, Hare Rowdy, from his place in Victoria Avenue.

The scribe was too busy drinking Collingwood beer from Collingwood beer cans to take any notes last night. But it can be reported that Sillic was definitely concussed from his glassing incident the week before. Not because of his nonsensical conversation, but due to the fact that he actually took a Collingwood beer can from the drink stop. Complained about the packaging, but drank the bloody thing. We will see what next week brings.
The hare wandered back from placing the drink stop at 1810 hrs to find the Bill already set up in the back yard. Others managed to wander down the wrong driveway, but by 1845 the Grand Master gained the attention of the pack. 14 runners set off, with a larger contingent of walkers, who took a short cut to the Old Cemetery gates then followed trail through the tombstones, past the Eureka Diggers memorial, across Burnbank to the lake, then off to the drinkstop at the Drummond St Nth playground. Runners followed a longer trail, in fairly persistent drizzle, and Shafted followed his own nose but, Snag-like, ended up at the drink stop in time for refreshments.
Fascinator took charge, determined to not forget a single thing, and was doing well until he tried to improvise a song. Bent Nose quickly reminded him of the error of his ways.
Screw Shafted took centre stage and showed all how it should be done. Channelling Benny Hill and Ernie the Milkman:
"Now Rowdy liked a house wife, lets call her Mrs X,
Who its fair to say had bags for play and was very fond of sex
They say she was too much for him, she was horny, proud and cheek
But Rowdy took her temperature....three times every week!"
And so it continued. Very funny. S H I T T Y T R A I L

Palindromic Runs, Exit 101, Bitch Face 67 (just two short of 69, Fascinator is practising his technique already), Teflon 569. Spence sergeanted in his usual manner, keeping the circle amused and under control. Glider produced a copy of the weekend Australian for his usual Zinger for Bad Hair Day, and on and on it went.
The meal was well attended and lubricated at the top Eureka, with SS very happy to announce as it happened the birth of a much anticipated grandchild. Well done to all.
Next weeks run is from Bent and BP's place in Pleasant St Sth, on after Aroma of India, Sturt St., opposite G C's.

Thursday, August 29, 2019

Run 1946 Hare Teflon from the Market Hotel
Amazing scenes at the Market Hotel as Hasher Sillic Unt has been asked to sit out the next few weeks after failing a concussion test. Sillic, who spent the run in the Bar, tried to make a quick exit from the circle to be first to the food and walked smack bang into a closed glass door, much to the amusement of the circle, random smokers from Warrnambool, and the Pool Competition in the adjacent room.
Luckily his belly hit the glass just before his forehead, saving him from loss of consciousness, but not embarrassment. The on call medico asked 3 simple questions: "How many fingers", answer "3" - (I have never done that in a professional capacity! ) :What day was it yesterday?, (?), and who will win the flag?, " Bulldogs".
Three strikes, and you're out, Sillic.

Footy colours was the theme, with the hare in his 30 yo St George garb, a few wonderful Collingwood outfits, and a selection of others. A group of 13 runners set out, swelling to 14 with the traditionally late arrival of Shafted, to follow a well set trail winding through Vic Park, up the mullock heap, a small sojourn the other side of Russell (and over the ditch), then back to the drink stop with the walkers and the Bar Flys 200m from home.
Choir master Bent Nose called reverence for the GM, who began "I was a stupid prick and went for St Kilda".
That's all. No welcomes, no welcome backs, no sniffy c*nts, just "I'd like Shafted to screw the run." Poor Fergie, Poor Bent and BP, poor Hash.

Shafted enthusiastically screwed the run. "What a run!" 3 or 4 times. He praised the timely early on back, loved the mullock heap peak (alone with Nummy - Precious left the climax early), and talked of a "tight little thing". I suspect the run, not Nummy, but I will never know. He rejoiced in the passage of playgrounds, then lamented GILF's absence, because GILF rhymes with filth, which appeared in at least 3 of the songs he'd prepared.Anyway, Teflon John, the rapper, not the Mafia boss, inspired the very amusing rapped punch line. S H I T T Y T R A I L
Sergeant Half a Bar stepped up to the plate.
Welcome to Fergie (wearing a Demon Scarf), charge to Fascinator for forgetting. Spencer Hocking was next in line, caught the train to the big smoke on Saturday, chose the Quiet Carriage, only to see Half a Bar step on at Ballan. Not-so-Quiet carriage after that.
Spence rebounded with "Where are you off to Tommy?"; "To see the Dees". - "They're playing in Hobart"
"ya stupid ....."
Before the Run.
Head Hunter was charged with coming to Hash instead of a free night of wining and dining. "She's not here"
Sillic was charged for his priorities, ordering food prior to any interaction with anyone from Hash. "Give us an AAA"
Mrs Dickhead charged Plucka and Rowdy for their respective mid life crises, Plucka retorted that at least she didn't have to change husbands. (Put it in your hand, Mrs Murphy... )
Half a Bar was charged for the half a chair on the walk. The Bitches/Witches who jumped the ditches got a drink.
Lois charged Big Dog for this disappointment after a visit to the dog zoo with only one dog. " It was a Shih Tzu"
Lois was then charged for her shit pronunciation. And another for our token Japanese truck driver, Big Fucker Pauline, and his dog, I su zu.
Num was charged for asking "where's my little man?" , Dumb replied "its cold outside".
After a bit more banter stumps were called and Sillic rushed off the be first to the food. The rest is history.

Next week's run, Stand in Hare Rowdy, from his place, 9 Victoria Ave, meal at Top Eureka.

And in a late news flash, Sillic has been cleared of concussion once it was realised that his conversations have been nonsensical for some time, and his answers actually reflected his pre-morbid state. His appetite was certainly unaffected.
Run 1945, Hare Spencer Hocking from upstairs at the Freight Bar.
Exit celebrated her 100th Ballarat HHH run tonight, making it 3 from 3 for centenary celebrations. She managed to confide with me "Happy Glider, Happy Life; Yes, I make him happy," so perhaps there was another happy ending, again making it 3 from 3.
GM Fascinator called the pack to attention at 1847 hrs, made reference to his 'sporting prowess' - got a few footy tips right for a change - and Spence led us around a good trail on his clown bike with his clown hat on. All enjoyed the run, up the Mair St hill, a stop to visit Albert Coates, through St Pats, winding down to White Flat, a sojourn in the Fabulous east, with all meeting up at the Bakery Hill flagpole for a recitation of "Beneath the Southern Cross" while the Spence's Bus rolled past. Back to the drink stop outside the military memorabilia store, and to the pub when we all got too cold.
Fascinator opened up post run proceedings with more references to himself. BF (Bitch Face, not Butt Fuck, or Big Fucker Pauline. Beer Fuck was absent) was heard to say out loud "its not all about you". Most concurred.
Anyway, welcome Backs to Pauline, D&D&Nummy, SS.
Significant Run to Fascinator (who'd a guessed??) 121 (you oughta be publicly pissed on)
Much more Significant Run to EXIT 100. Spence presented a well wrapped and protected and intact goblet, then an equally well wrapped engraved pewter drinking vessel. (She's all right)

Shafted screwed the run. Briefly.
He then mentioned Spence's Bus, charged Nutcracker for being thin, and praised trail saying he was "often in suSpence". Not one of his better one-liners. SHITTY TRAIL
FOP got the Sergeant gig. Started off with run 1845, then was corrected to 1945... the Billy Goat was born, many countries managed to EXIT WW2, a nuclear missile, Little Boy, was dropped on Japan, (Precious), and a Fat Boy followed (Normal, in the absence of Sillic). Rowdy has a drink for being a smart arse.
Before the run: SS caught 80 fish on his recent holiday, threw most of them back. Bait got charged for keeping all of his fish, regardless of the size.. Half a Bar was charged for being a good masturbater.
Precious charged Shafted and Tommy for arriving unusually early. Normal, quick as a blink, charged Precious for understanding what coming early was all about (Get a life)
Fang was charged for being at the most thrilling football match of the season, and leaving early so he wouldn't miss his train. BF Pauline charged BF for leaving her braces in lost property.
The meals were brought out. Nut Bush Clitty Licker appeared from nowhere, again, but this week was covered in shit which had a few of us confused. The meal which came out labelled "BF" got more people confused, and the 3 BFs a drink.

Next week, Teflon at the Market Hotel.

Tuesday, August 13, 2019

Run 1944, Hare Criss Cross from the Grant St Grapes Hotel
Two weeks running we have celebrated a milestone 100 runs. Last week, of course, Katrina Nutcracker hit the jackpot, this week Head Hunter, all the way from a Fiji holiday, racked up the coveted three figures.
But first, the GM held the assembled crowd enthralled before the run with a number of announcements. Palindromic runs (Nutcracker 101, Shafted 636, "Give us an AAAA"), Welcomes Back to Bitch Face, Nummy Nummy Num Num (who enjoyed the hospitality of Darwin first hand), Dumb & Dumber, and Mountie. Fang got a double gong, his 69th birthday, and his 800th run (Hashy birthday, fuck you), Head Hunter was honoured for her 100th run, also Shafted and Big Fucker Pauline (Build a bonfire..)
What a run. This was a lesson from Criss Cross as to how a Ballarat HHH run should be set. Good distance, good pace, well marked, interesting terrain, hills and rivers, bitumen and shiggy. Near simultaneous drink stop arrival, and a respite from the antarctic chill of the preceding few days. Throw in a guest appearance from former GM Hopoate (who gave the scribe a cuddle and a peck on the cheek) and my cup runneth over.
After the leisured drink stop, all adjourned back to the bar the order a Furphy and get a complimentary Beanie. We were then kicked out onto the cold back porch for Down downs; Fascinator called attention and said "I have been castrated, I feel like an arsehole." Non sequitur.
"Welcome back Pebbles" - (He's all right.. a little flat chested but..)

Screw Shafted was in a good mood. "What a great run" (apparently talking about his horse, who didn't actually win, but like a true gentleman, came second). "An excellent run" (talking about Criss Cross). True to form he used 3 x as much chalk as necessary, observed the pack dispersing in all directions on proximity to the primary school, and presented a horticultural precis of the terrain which summed it all up perfectly. An interesting carrot which was shaped just like a thinggy, no matter which way you looked at it, was a suitable punchline.
Same song as last week, different words.

Sergeant Mountie was less dressed up than usual, but castrated the GM again. Spencer Hocking was delegated the task of presenting appropriate chalices, engraved goblets, and words to appropriate people, and managed to fuck it up completely and actually break the stems off the chalices, get the engraving wrong on all vessels, and end up with a dogs breakfast. It was funny, unintentionally.
Head Hunter, 100 runs (get a life, 20 toes)
Fang 800 runs (Mrs Murphy)
Shafted deflowered everything he saw on the run
Fang 69th birthday, 800 runs
Nummy enjoyed the inside of the Darwin Hospital while others were at the expensively ticketed ball, Dumber with a new (O'Halloran) partner. (ya stupid)
In 1944
D DAY - D&D, Mrs D, D&C, Davey Foster, Fang
Sweden decriminalised homosexuality, and Britain allowed married women to be teachers (Mrs D, Her Vagesty)
Oh, by the way, Fang 800 runs
Paul Keating was born - all of the true believers out the front (And I saw her face....)
Bob Brown was born (Bitch Face)
Before the run
Half a bar and Fascinator both came remarkably early.
Criss Cross charged and castrated (castigated?) Fascinator for missing his eminently palindromic run, 969.
Mountie for the bombing of Darwin, Fang for 800 runs
Pebbles, in a fit of hubris, charged Essendon supporters (Normal, Spence, Fang), and FOP, with similar tempting of fate, charged Big Fucker Pauline for being a Kiwi Rugby supporter.
Dumb and Dumber insulted Criss Cross by suggesting he would be "too stupid" to remember the keys to his car, and the drink stop.

and so it went on...

until Rowdy charged D&C for misplacing her phone in the back of the Clitty Licker's car after last week's run. She forgot the maxim "If its rocking, don't bother knocking"; drove across town, knocked on every door and window she could see in Nutcracker's house, and eventually raised NBCL from the back seat of the same car (parked stylishly on the other side of the road). He looked sheepish with a phone in his hand and Nuttsy pretending she wasn't there. Happy 100th run Nutcracker!!
NBCL added to the tale by coming in to the circle right at the end of the charge, looking sheepish and with a phone in his hand. He drank his down down drink.

Next week Spencer Hocking from the Freight Bar.

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Run 1943 Hare: Beer Fuck from the Cattleyards Inn
A crowd of Ballarat HHH stalwarts (excluding those rude enough to spend the weekend swanning about in Darwin) were on hand to celebrate a momentous Run with a momentous milestone. Run 1943, of course, commemorates the year of Glider's birth, and he and Exit were the first to arrive at the Cattleyards to prepare themselves. Once people worked out that the Cattleyards was NOT the Market Hotel, a good turnout was on hand to hear Rowdy take control at 1845 hours in the absence of any other committee members.
Glider's birth was acknowledged, and then Katrina Nutcracker was called out and given a heart starter (girly drink) to slow her down for her 100th Run. (She's the Meanest....) The Hare promised the run would embrace all points of the compass, and seeing we went in a clockwise circle, he was absolutely correct.
The drink stop was outside the aforementioned Market Hotel, where we could look in and see the Bar Flys talking to Murph at the bar. Must have been too cold for them to join us.
Charges were moved to the smoker's beer garden due to a hotly contested darts match. GM Fascinator had arrived by then, in time to appoint others to fill in as sergeant and choir master. He welcomed back (in his absence(?)) Little Evil, and Beer Fuck, and as one BF drinks, Butt Fuck was handed a glass, as was Pauline (Big Fucker) (20 toes)
Next up FOP was called to account for finding the cure for cancer. Sillic was charged as a beneficiary, but he wasn't there, and as his testicle is not up his arse it was all a little confusing for most to follow.
Shafted screwed the run. Then he reminisced about "Keef from the Kimberly", who used to drink with Shafted from the same pub as we were in presently; Keef morphed into "Gin on the Rocks" as his initial Hash name, then was re-christened after sitting next to an absolute stunner called Carmen on a plane trip to South America.
The Screw then waxed lyrical about the street names Pleasant, Darling, Foster, also noting the first up Foster was Teflon. He then sang a song twice that I failed to recognise as it had appropriately rude lyrics but no tune.
( S H I T T Y T R A I L).
Sniffyc*nt Runs: Nutcracker was called up to celebrate her 100th Ballarat HHH Run. Party hats were worn by the females, presentations of Silver foil balloons in rude shapes made, and a glittering chalice presented (she's all right....), and she drank from the chalice.
Little Evil was welcomed back once he had arrived back. Nutcracker fronted the centre to be presented with her engraved silver goblet for her 100th run. The BFs were again called out (Beer Fuck, Butt Fuck, Big Fucker, and to join them, Big Dog).
Nutcracker got another charge for her 100th Run (Ohhh, the wiggle of her arse...)

Shafted and Half a Bar were charged for the horse coming third, with no third dividend paid, Mrs D charged Little Evil and Half a Bar with a demonstration of the difference in their whistles, and Glider took his charge for being born in 1943.
The Bill was charged for his meticulous parking, still ending up crooked and not between the lines, and Sillic was charged in absentia for parking Pimp's car so badly the he backed it into his own car.

Next week we return to La La Land, in the city not the country, with Dr Death hosting from his residence in Lal Lal Street.
A good pub meal was enjoyed, with the cricket on in the background, generating conversation and good humour.