Bevan Kelly

YeffstterSponcnsegoSdlsranfeeye aocgt 0itha0:d26  · 

Once again FOP has taken the concept of de-scribing the run to the next level, his literality leaving his son to once again scribe. The run set out from “Pebble’s Park” (real name may vary) and lead the pack through an adventurous and hitherto unrun territory. Before delving into further detail, one must first understand this hare. Shafted is a man incapable of becoming lost. You may lose him, but he is never lost. As such, the run was concocted from the bizarre mental atlas that is Shafted’s mind. But since many of his runner were not themselves Atlas, many succumb to the weight of such an extreme task and no less five hashers were lost as a result. With Tommy Half A Bar amongst the lost, Bar Licker reacted with a resounding and subtly heartfelt indifference. The on afters then proceeded at a house with no power that we were certainly legally allowed to attend.

Following the run, Donuts welcomed back the likes of Dr Death, his esteemed partner, Dr Rowdy, Boner, The Bill, Dim Wit and Shafted’s Stephen Hillenburg-esque brother, SquarePants. Donuts also welcomed new runner, star of the 2019 Netflix original comedy Tall Girl, Jorja (get a life). This was then followed on by the calculated genius of one Spencer Hocking to inform us of our sniffy cunt runs. He was set to present a spectacular display of mathematical genius that he had prewritten but couldn’t read any of it since Shafted hadn’t turned the power on. The night then presented its first great surprise when Spencer Hocking and Tommy Half A Bar final reached the same page. Having been thrown on the spot by Spence, Half A Bar was indeed capable of informing us that 7 + 6 = 13. To show just how alike the two had become, Half A Bar then proceed to inform us that the digit sum of 13 is 4 and that’s the “square root of some fucking thing”. It was at this point that Campaspe was also out the front. If you or someone you know has any information about why Campaspe was out the front, please contact us on 1800 333 000. The final sniffy cunt run was held by Jorja, with only one. One is an important number of runs, because it’s one too many and you can still opt out (give us an a).

Spencer Hocking then informed hashes own Bletchley Park that one is known as the identity number, it’s its own digit sum, its own square and its own square root. With his pristine ears however, Half A Bar only heard the words Jorja and root and was quickly reminded that women all across the nation were today marching because nothing bad happened and Scotty has it under control (you’re stupid). Since Spence was also the sergeant for the evening, he bought SquarePants out the front and stood him next tertiary runners, Public Enemy founder, Chuck Dee. Whereas Chuck Dee had come 3 times in 3 weeks, SquarePants had only managed to come once a year (who lives in a pineapple).

At this point stand in screw Dumb reminded us that we had gotten ahead of ourselves and that he still needed to screw the run. When Dumb’s screwing abilities were called into question, Num reaffirmed that they were “excellent”, a statement that was immediately redacted when he called the run the “best marked”. He noted that the dry cattle paddocks reminded him of the dried-up lake, before voicing a vehement disdain for the runs lack of ducks, even in its own duck populated dam. The run was deemed a bit disjointed, yet also fabulous. As such the run was awarded a 9. It is at this point that I will remind you that last week’s run was judged on a binary system. If your computer starts to display 9s in binary, it may be a little fucked. With a 9 as a numerator and no supplied denominator, the runs score is also redundant, and Shafted was taken away along with his brother, because “one Foster drinks, all Foster’s drink” (shitty trail).

With the charges now continuing, Fascinator charged the Foster’s yet again. He regaled that when Tommy Half A Bar was a young boy, he was bathed lager. An odd tradition, it wasn’t until years later that he realized he had been fostered. Fascinator then pondered whether Tommy begins tales of his youth with “when I was little”. And of course, if one bar drinks, all bars drink (Finnish drinking song). The next charge went to Precious for writing the ‘Amra Ekta Cinema Banabo’ of blog posts. Legend holds that he will one day create the ‘Logistics Art Project’ of blog posts, yet this remains to be seen (fuck him). Mrs. D then called upon Rowdy and asked that he make a bid to bring the COVID vaccine with him. Since its target demographic is those aged 70 and above, it would not be amiss at hash. The walking cane wielding Boner then charged Tommy and SS for leading him astray and making him walk what could only be seen as an additional 10 kilometres (you’re stupid).

Jorja and Boner were then called forward to tell the group one thing about themselves, le university ice breaker style. Jorja recounted that she stands 6 foot 1 inch tall, with Boner noting that he does not stand 6 feet and 1 inch tall. Enthralling. Nutcracker was also called out the front and asked why she wasn’t off with the other women in Canberra. This very targeted charge was, apparently, because she is the most feminist of all the hash women, allegedly (Mrs. Murphy).

Charges from the run saw Fascinator charge Shafted. After his previous run saw us taken past burnt out cars in the bush, he kept his theming consistent by taking the run through a burnt out paddock this time. Unsurprisingly, the ancient proverb was recanted, “one Foster, all Foster’s”. Shafted was further charged for not skimping on any costs. While most people setting a run would stoop to cheap drinks, Shafted didn’t just pay 75 extra cents, he paid 75 cents period for 70% off can of Mountain Dew. SquarePants was also charged himself, because rather than helping the hash women across the treacherous “bridges” that his brother had led them across, SquarePants sat with his camera, ready to film an mishaps (publicly pissed on).

Tommy then charged Pennyfartyhing for abusing his gentlemanly nature. When met with a fence, Tommy offered to give her a leg up in order to assist her over the fence. Upon lifting her up, Tommy was meet with a conundrum, should he drop Pennyfartyhing or continue to let her spread the dog shit she had just stood in on his hand. This was unanimously determined to be a rebound (hold it in your hand). Chuck Dee and Bar Licker were then charged for their missing partners, as well as their very newfound interests in wills. Jorja was bought forward to give her professional, first year criminology degree opinion on wills. And because if one criminal drinks, all criminals drink, we found ourselves amiss of a criminal. So Dumb will do, he’s a used car salesman after all (no no no).

The penultimate end to proceedings, Fascinator was called forward. As the religious advisor, he was chastised for letting family member pass away, this time being Fang’s father (I might have fucked up). And to close out the night, the much anticipated return of Dim Wits jokes. What’s the difference between an oh and an ah? About 3 ½ inches. As result, next weeks run will be held at 409 High Street Learmonth, by Fascinator. Hashers are advised to bring back any awards they may have (dis)honorably received, and to keep the 12th and 19th and maybe other dates (I don’t know I wasn’t listening) free for the Mystery Bus Tour and the AGM.

8Jason Kelly, Jacki Fowler and 6 others

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Bevan Kelly

1tSpg9onsoorhfeSd  · 

Run 2024:

In many ways Hash has become a lot like Led Zeppelin. It has had its share of Good Times and Bad Times, and any attempt at a belated reunion would just be a tragic affair (looking at you Live Aid). But the most apt comparison is its lineage. Following the death of John Bonham, his son Jason rose to occasion and drummed with the group. Whilst he may not be dead, our Jason is incapable of drinking beer, so we’ll go with his son for tonight.

The run was set to begin from 14 Platypus Drive at 6:30 sharp. The start became a tad dull as it set out at a languorous 6:31. A fabulous run throughout the dreary woods of Mount Clear, during which Criss Cross attempted to one up Big Dog by tripping up Just Cum, in scenes reminiscent of Mrs D’s tumble in the prior week. The run took the pack through a combination of bush and suburbia, adorned by many a Buxton billboard, yet no mention of our favourite knavish constituent, Fascinator.

Upon returning to the Cross/Dicks’ residences, the fugly couple of Chug Ly were welcomed back. Whilst concerns were raised about applauding the couple for every run they’ve attended; we can all be grateful that SS is not afforded the same honour, 1700 applauses is excessive.

As is customary, the arithmetic genius Spencer Hocking told us of our sniffy cunt runs. In between his indulgence of “little boys”, Spence first noted that Shafted had short sold himself, remaining on 666 for far too long. This conversation naturally morphed into discussions of the number of the beast, with Spence throwing in a discussion for our astray hasher, Tommy Half a Bar. “The digit sum of 666 is 18, half of 18 is 9, 9 squared is 81”. Amongst these sniffy cunt runs was a mention to Penny Fartyhing’s (we’ll touch on that) 686, as well as Precious’ 161 (approximately 52% of the page count of J. R. R. Tolkien’s ‘The Hobbit’). It was also bought to our attention that being the 8th of the 3 of 21, if one were to subtract 4 (or the sum of Chugly*’s collective runs) from 8, you would be left 4/3/21.

Upon screwing the one run, Bent Nose instructed this scribe to simply transcribe “Fascinator fucked up”. We may never know the true meaning of said words. The run was considered a resounding success for its lack of Bar Flies, with even Puss Bucket partaking in the run, thus interrupting Hashes own Algonquin Round Table. The run was described with the ever-useful metric of going “up and down hill”. The trail was also lauded for leading its runners down a creek side path that Criss Cross has never once used. Said path was deemed so elusive that it may be hitherto undiscovered. Criss Cross was further applauded for crossing trail correctly, with this fact being directed at no one in particular. It was deemed a “very fine run” and was given a “1 as opposed to 0” (Nose, B. 2021) on the binary system. Criss Cross and Two Dicks were taken away (shitty trail). During the drinking it was also noted that Two Dicks cums to early with her down downs.

Enter the substitute Sargent, Puss Bucket. The first charge of the evening went to Penny Fartyhing and Puss Bucket’s beau, Spartacus (“he’s not here”, Mountie’ll do) for the egregious, yet predictable, misspelling of Penny Fartyhing. The charges then entered an elongated, yet interesting parable of the origins of Labour Day and its division of the day into three 8 hour thirds. Snag noted a similar division in Hash, the Runners, the Walkers and the Bar Flies, before noting that no one is left behind in the Bar Flies. SS was subsequently charged for letting such an esteemed Bar Fly as Puss Bucket fall behind on the walk (what a wank).

Charges before the run began with Just Cum being called forward. With all the discussion of misspelling Penny Fartyhing, questions were raised as to how someone could fuck up so badly and spell “Just Cum” as “Kathmandu” on her jacket (build a bonfire). Puss Bucket then charged his mistress (no one tell Spartacus) Mountie. Being left alone for the weekend, Puss Bucket feared technological advancements, for the moment they invent a vibrator that can take out the trash, Mountie will no longer have a need for him (she’s a harriet). Shafted was then called forward. He was thanked for the dinner that would be served tonight, being salads, most of it was clearly fertilized with horseshit (there was a song here, feel free to imagine it ‘cause I don’t remember it).

Charges from the run saw Just Cum charged again for her emulous fall in the vein of Mrs D, circa last week. Plucka was likewise charged for a riveting anecdote about the discovery of rabbits on the run, which raised questions as to their domestication or whether they were simply wild. Criss Cross was also bought forward for causing the group to trespass on Depart of Education property, despite our status as tax paying citizens. He was further lampooned for his “Look back for cars” sign in his garage, with questions raised as to whether he needed more signs e.g “don’t look at your watch while holding a beer…. ESPECIALLY IF YOU AREN’T WEARING A WATCH” (hold it in your hand).

Just Cum was bought forward again, at this point she had drunk the equivalent of one cup of beer. Numb regaled the circle with the tale of her spectacular fall and how, through the commotion, she feared that Dumb would be left a poor widow (the Hash biologists promptly described how such a situation would work) and Just Cum was taken away (B.I.M.B.O). In light of International Woman’s Day, Bent was charged for the lesser-known International Nit-picker’s Day, with Precious being charged as his protégé in nit-picking, as well as for wearing his 4 year old year 12 jumper (publicly pissed on).

Precious was subsequently charged again by some of the female Hashers for his description of the “married life” after only a week, yet, perplexingly, very few male Hashers sympathised with the female point of view (get back in the kitchen). At this point, Shafted presented a pair of handcrafted ornaments to the Cross/Dicks’ household. To the naked eye, they may have appeared as random metal crap off the ground, but they were described by Shafted as being hand crafted by a high range artist and were presented with a complimentary hay bale. This was followed by a bewildered chant of “what the actual fuck”. Is anyone even still reading this? One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. Take the red fish and you will awaken from the Matrix.

Donuts, in the vein of our favourite Buxton constituent, may have “fucked up”. Plucka was presented her commemorative 300th run award on her 301st run (get a life). A damper then fell across Hash, as Swing Low was sang in commemoration of Nut Bush Clitty Licker’s (which reached number 14 on the Go-Set National Top 40 in 1974) late father, followed by a moment of silence.

Next weeks run was tentatively set at Pebble’s Park (real name my vary), Miners Rest. Weather permitting, said location is subject to change. Hopefully, this blog has reached a word count sufficient to stimulate the intellect of Bent Nose. I even included the Algonquin Round Table for you, hope you’re happy.

*Chugly (noun): an ugly individual that is quite versed in the art of chugging

 

Jason Kelly

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BH3 RUN 2023 – 27.02.2021 – BIG DOG’S RUN FROM CODES FOREST RD

A hash 36 gathered for the annual Big Dog run in the Glen Park bushland and welcomed two new runners, Lee and Chug (Chuck). The run and walk followed an imaginative trail, with orange arrows, painted rocks arranged to form arrows and bits of timber nailed to trees all marking the way. This was until the half-way point when the trail just vanished, causing great confusion and the splintering of both the running and walking groups. At the drinks stop runners and walkers arrived from all directions, with each small group finding their own way home. Poor Chug, who was one of the first runners to arrive, had thought he’d lost Lee forever, as she was the last to arrive and came in from the opposite direction.

Back at the circle Donuts formally welcomed Chug and Lee and asked the most important of questions; “Who made you both cum?” (Campaspee)  Get a life 

Welcome backs for Big Dog and Bait  What a wank 

Spencer, who still had a bruised ego from last week, then announced SniffyCunt runs: Rowdy 1264 (digit sum= root 169), Teflon (232), Nutsy 171, GILF 343, Pebbles 585 (all palindromes) and Plucka 300!  There’s a game 

Bent Nose then screwed the Big Dog: “It started well with lots of orange trail… except when there wasn’t! The phrase “I must have missed a spot” was an understatement. Last year this run was a nominee for the Shit Hot Run of the Year award, my how the mighty have fallen.” Score = 594 Hz “The frequency of orange light”  Shitty trail 

Spencer was then stand-in Sergeant and charges included:

Big Dog and Mrs D – Mrs D rolled her ankle on the run

Mountie and Pus Bucket – They celebrated 25 years of wedlock by attending separate events. Pus Bucket did, however, win a $50 meal voucher for the Red Lion, so he had an anniversary gift for Mountie

Pus Bucket then charged Mountie –She was standing naked in front of the mirror and complained that she was looking old, her hair was grey, her face wrinkled, her tits and arse all sagging. Pus Bucket said, “Cheer up, it’s not all bad. It appears that your eyesight still works fine”  Mrs Murphy 

Shafted and Dr Death – Their horse ran second in the Birregurra Cup (100:1)

Mrs D charged Shafted – It’s the first time he’s cum second in a staying event (one geologist drinks – all geologists drink)  they ought to be publicly pissed on 

Big Dog received multiple charges:

DnC got attacked by 8 dogs whilst on trail.

Precious wanted to know if “Orange Trail” actually meant “Orange you glad that I set the first half of trail”

Teflon wanted to know if “trail is set in Orange” meant that the missing trail was in Orange NSW.

So he didn’t drink alone, Rowdy charged Bent Nose as there was a mistake in the Screw; is 594nm is the wavelength of orange light (not 594Hz / frequency)  He’s the meanest 

We then realised that there were too many down down beers poured, so everyone got a charge.

NEXT WEEK’S RUN: CRIS CROS, 14 PLATYPUS DVE, MT CLEAR. PARK OUT THE BACK BY THE OVAL AND BRING A PICNIC CHAIR.

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