Bevan Kelly

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Once again FOP has taken the concept of de-scribing the run to the next level, his literality leaving his son to once again scribe. The run set out from “Pebble’s Park” (real name may vary) and lead the pack through an adventurous and hitherto unrun territory. Before delving into further detail, one must first understand this hare. Shafted is a man incapable of becoming lost. You may lose him, but he is never lost. As such, the run was concocted from the bizarre mental atlas that is Shafted’s mind. But since many of his runner were not themselves Atlas, many succumb to the weight of such an extreme task and no less five hashers were lost as a result. With Tommy Half A Bar amongst the lost, Bar Licker reacted with a resounding and subtly heartfelt indifference. The on afters then proceeded at a house with no power that we were certainly legally allowed to attend.

Following the run, Donuts welcomed back the likes of Dr Death, his esteemed partner, Dr Rowdy, Boner, The Bill, Dim Wit and Shafted’s Stephen Hillenburg-esque brother, SquarePants. Donuts also welcomed new runner, star of the 2019 Netflix original comedy Tall Girl, Jorja (get a life). This was then followed on by the calculated genius of one Spencer Hocking to inform us of our sniffy cunt runs. He was set to present a spectacular display of mathematical genius that he had prewritten but couldn’t read any of it since Shafted hadn’t turned the power on. The night then presented its first great surprise when Spencer Hocking and Tommy Half A Bar final reached the same page. Having been thrown on the spot by Spence, Half A Bar was indeed capable of informing us that 7 + 6 = 13. To show just how alike the two had become, Half A Bar then proceed to inform us that the digit sum of 13 is 4 and that’s the “square root of some fucking thing”. It was at this point that Campaspe was also out the front. If you or someone you know has any information about why Campaspe was out the front, please contact us on 1800 333 000. The final sniffy cunt run was held by Jorja, with only one. One is an important number of runs, because it’s one too many and you can still opt out (give us an a).

Spencer Hocking then informed hashes own Bletchley Park that one is known as the identity number, it’s its own digit sum, its own square and its own square root. With his pristine ears however, Half A Bar only heard the words Jorja and root and was quickly reminded that women all across the nation were today marching because nothing bad happened and Scotty has it under control (you’re stupid). Since Spence was also the sergeant for the evening, he bought SquarePants out the front and stood him next tertiary runners, Public Enemy founder, Chuck Dee. Whereas Chuck Dee had come 3 times in 3 weeks, SquarePants had only managed to come once a year (who lives in a pineapple).

At this point stand in screw Dumb reminded us that we had gotten ahead of ourselves and that he still needed to screw the run. When Dumb’s screwing abilities were called into question, Num reaffirmed that they were “excellent”, a statement that was immediately redacted when he called the run the “best marked”. He noted that the dry cattle paddocks reminded him of the dried-up lake, before voicing a vehement disdain for the runs lack of ducks, even in its own duck populated dam. The run was deemed a bit disjointed, yet also fabulous. As such the run was awarded a 9. It is at this point that I will remind you that last week’s run was judged on a binary system. If your computer starts to display 9s in binary, it may be a little fucked. With a 9 as a numerator and no supplied denominator, the runs score is also redundant, and Shafted was taken away along with his brother, because “one Foster drinks, all Foster’s drink” (shitty trail).

With the charges now continuing, Fascinator charged the Foster’s yet again. He regaled that when Tommy Half A Bar was a young boy, he was bathed lager. An odd tradition, it wasn’t until years later that he realized he had been fostered. Fascinator then pondered whether Tommy begins tales of his youth with “when I was little”. And of course, if one bar drinks, all bars drink (Finnish drinking song). The next charge went to Precious for writing the ‘Amra Ekta Cinema Banabo’ of blog posts. Legend holds that he will one day create the ‘Logistics Art Project’ of blog posts, yet this remains to be seen (fuck him). Mrs. D then called upon Rowdy and asked that he make a bid to bring the COVID vaccine with him. Since its target demographic is those aged 70 and above, it would not be amiss at hash. The walking cane wielding Boner then charged Tommy and SS for leading him astray and making him walk what could only be seen as an additional 10 kilometres (you’re stupid).

Jorja and Boner were then called forward to tell the group one thing about themselves, le university ice breaker style. Jorja recounted that she stands 6 foot 1 inch tall, with Boner noting that he does not stand 6 feet and 1 inch tall. Enthralling. Nutcracker was also called out the front and asked why she wasn’t off with the other women in Canberra. This very targeted charge was, apparently, because she is the most feminist of all the hash women, allegedly (Mrs. Murphy).

Charges from the run saw Fascinator charge Shafted. After his previous run saw us taken past burnt out cars in the bush, he kept his theming consistent by taking the run through a burnt out paddock this time. Unsurprisingly, the ancient proverb was recanted, “one Foster, all Foster’s”. Shafted was further charged for not skimping on any costs. While most people setting a run would stoop to cheap drinks, Shafted didn’t just pay 75 extra cents, he paid 75 cents period for 70% off can of Mountain Dew. SquarePants was also charged himself, because rather than helping the hash women across the treacherous “bridges” that his brother had led them across, SquarePants sat with his camera, ready to film an mishaps (publicly pissed on).

Tommy then charged Pennyfartyhing for abusing his gentlemanly nature. When met with a fence, Tommy offered to give her a leg up in order to assist her over the fence. Upon lifting her up, Tommy was meet with a conundrum, should he drop Pennyfartyhing or continue to let her spread the dog shit she had just stood in on his hand. This was unanimously determined to be a rebound (hold it in your hand). Chuck Dee and Bar Licker were then charged for their missing partners, as well as their very newfound interests in wills. Jorja was bought forward to give her professional, first year criminology degree opinion on wills. And because if one criminal drinks, all criminals drink, we found ourselves amiss of a criminal. So Dumb will do, he’s a used car salesman after all (no no no).

The penultimate end to proceedings, Fascinator was called forward. As the religious advisor, he was chastised for letting family member pass away, this time being Fang’s father (I might have fucked up). And to close out the night, the much anticipated return of Dim Wits jokes. What’s the difference between an oh and an ah? About 3 ½ inches. As result, next weeks run will be held at 409 High Street Learmonth, by Fascinator. Hashers are advised to bring back any awards they may have (dis)honorably received, and to keep the 12th and 19th and maybe other dates (I don’t know I wasn’t listening) free for the Mystery Bus Tour and the AGM.

8Jason Kelly, Jacki Fowler and 6 others

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