Jason Kelly

Admin · 11h

Run # 1996; COVID Run # 20; Hare – Campaspee from Alfredton Sports Ground #2

With the weather in mind, a proactive Campaspee set this week’s trail on the Thursday. This allowed our retired members to enjoy the 7.5km loop through the Alfredton wetlands/Vic Park prior to the weather tuning… and turn it did! Two inches of rain fell between Friday and Sunday turning the wetlands into a lake and the walking path into a river. The Hasher who set out on Saturday copped the worst weather seen at Hash since Precious’ 18th Birthday run. Fortunately, the diligence shown in marking trail meant that it was still visible after all that weather; a credit to this week’s Hare and lesson to those prior who were somewhat stingy in their trail markings.

Zoom circle # 22 – Present were: Spence, Fop, Her Vag (briefly), Donuts, Lois, Pauline, SS, Mountie, Pus Bucket (briefly), Mrs D, Campaspee, Rowdy, Bent, BP, Teflon, GILF, Num, Dumb, Fascinator, NBCL, Nutsy (+ Caleb), Fang, Bitch Face, Normal, DnC and Dim Wit.

The circle began with condemnation of the R.A. due to the shitty weather across the weekend. Fascinator said he’d had the weekend off and passed responsibility onto SS. SS responded that he’d done a stellar job as he’d created a record for the wettest Saturday this century.

There were suggestions surrounding how to have the book signed…

Bent (sarcastically) suggested to DnC “why don’t we write our names at the start?” Mountie responded (tersely) “Get off her back, tell him to get fucked DnC!”

Donuts … “Maybe last person should take a photo of the chalk names” … (how do you know if you’re the last??)

Bitch Face (continuing the sarcastic theme) “Why don’t people just SMS DnC?” Mountie (even more tersely) “Get fucked Bitch Face!”

Bent … “Why can’t DnC wait at the start of trail all weekend?” … Guess what Mountie said??

At 19:12 Donuts call for order and passed the floor to the screw

Bent Nose began with his excitement at the thought of screwing his first ever virgin. This excitement was extinguished when he was reminded that Campaspee had set a run earlier this year from the Park Hotel. Alas, poor Bent has still never been near a virgin (it was proposed that Bitch Face might still be a virgin, but she “definitely isn’t volunteering herself to Bent Nose”)

Bent described the trail marking as “par excellence” but was critical of the map posted on Facebook. Though the run wasn’t in the “Magnificent South East” the setting was “okay”; that was until the trail hit the back blocks of Alfredton where “every fucken house looks the same”. Bent thought the mundane architecture was doing his head in, as he thought he could hear a distant familiar voice; turned out to be Candida, Principal of Alfredton Primary, speaking over the school PA. The Guncotton Rail Trail was a novel aspect, as was the trip past the old saleyards. Having done the trail on Friday they managed to dodge the rain, however, the Sou’westerly wind nearly blew BP away. Final Rating = 7 on the Beaufort scale (see pic)

Sniffycunt runs

- BP-1200

- Her Vag 131 and Pebbles 565 (even though he was absent watching Collingwood)

Charges included:

Lois charged Pauline because he wore clean runners thinking that there won’t be any shiggy

Dumb charged Num; they did the run twice ended up getting lost

Lois charged Campaspee for setting a thoughtful trail which went past her house allowing her to take a dump on trail

DnC charged Dim Wit who offered to lead the way through the flooded trail, only to fall flat on his face.

Mrs D charged Nutsy for reaching into her bra to pull out a tissue. Nutsy was asked how many tissues she keeps down there, to which Bitch Face offered “She leaves them in the box” (“Coming from you?!?” was Nutsy’s response)

Lois said she uses socks instead of tissues in her bras

Lois charged Pauline as they had stayed dry during the run only to get drenched putting the caravan cover on when they got home (referred to as the RA’s revenge)

The question as to how christened Pauline was tossed around. Pauline believed that Rowdy was the RA; Rowdy has called for a DRS – consensus was that it may have been Deep Heat

Someone asked what the Collingwood scores were (WGAF)

Rowdy charged Mountie as she obviously doesn’t swallow (Lois’ joke; Q. “What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?” A. “Full”)

It appears that instead of swallowing Mountie rubs it in her hair “Something about Mary” style (see pic)

Just enough time left for a Dim Wit special; “What kind of Bees give milk?” (“BooBees”)

Next week’s run: Plucka from Fed Uni Mt Helen – more details to follow

Matthew Gibney

Admin · 12h

Ballarat HHH Run 1995, Zoom #21, CoVid #19, Hare Pebbles from the Brown Hill Recreation Reserve.

Well, Pebbles has form. The Never-ending bush run 2 years ago in the middle of “Butt Fuck Nowhere”, with finishers in dribs and drab well after sundown should have been a warning. The Never-ending Run in the middle of Miner’s Rest earlier this year should have rung alarm bells. But the RA arranged a weather window, the terrain looked promising, and Hashers turned up. Luckily some arrived as others were finishing and were given some direction (like which way to go initially). Some covered 4 km whilst others took 11. All were pleased to finish. The sparsity of trail was unbelievable.

Zoom attendees included Spence, Pebbles, Nuts (Cracker and Licker and Do), Rowdy, SS, Pauline and Lois, Mrs D, Bent and BP, Mountie, Fannyskater, Fang, Dumb and Num, Quick Dick, Head Hunter, Bitch Face, Chriss Cross, Dimwit, Campaspee and D&C.

The usual pre formal banter predictably covered Melbourne FC’s win on the weekend. The GM then called for reverence only to be stymied by the absence of the book and bookkeeper. Straight onto the Screw.

Precise, immaculate and exact was the language used by Bent Nose, as expected. Photographs added to the display but do need work.

…“to be fair, he started OK”, meaning, I think that there was an On On marked. Across the footbridge only to be rescued after 50 m by BHD coming the other way and redirecting. UNDER the tunnel/echo chamber into Ditchfield’s Lane where the trail petered out but the serenity was almost overwhelming. Beautiful regrowth grey gums towering over a green undergrowth emphasized the potential of the terrain all the way up the wallaby track to the zenith. As Bent observed, it was all down hill from there. A lone metal detector marked descent into chocolate cake trail, then shitty trail, and very constipated at that. Somehow no one got completely lost, and the score was calculated by the number of pancakes able to be cooked by the flour left unused : 96.

S H I T T Y trail was sung in rounds.

Quick Dick and Head Hunter were congratulated for their newborn baby photo. Some predictable banter about giving Head and getting past the tonsils followed.

Quick Dick asked for charges, after nominating Bent for losing him at the street signs, and Spence for being laughed at in Bunnings for his Ewok impersonation. QD also apologized to Fuckin’ ate ‘er for predicting the inevitable rain for the wrong time.

Lois pointed out to the screw that most of us go THROUGH tunnels, not under.

Spence charged Criss Cross for looking for his cardiologist in the wrong street, after claiming his recent cataract surgery a success. Nutcracker was very jealous when Vibes was refilling the wine glass of SS while NBCL was quaffing away leaving her to drink squash. Women notice these things. “Move it or lose it” was the plaintive cry, just not sure if she was referring to SS, or to NBCL and the red wine bottle.

Criss Cross was again in trouble for leaving his face mask behind for the run, only to be rescued by his handy Hanky. Heavy produced one for the hash many years ago which may yet become a fashion item.

Mention was made of curfew breakers being fined for going to buy Donuts. “Little did they know he doesn’t cost a thing” said BF from Tasmania, perhaps a little too knowingly.

A series of bad jokes followed.

Next weeks’ run will be set by Campaspee from the Alfredton Recreation Reserve, details, as always to follow.

At the Death, D&C logged in to scintillate us with the numbers for the week:

BP 1199

Spence 1224

Bait 1447

Rowdy 1244

Dumb 1211

And that’s a wrap.

Jason Kelly

Admin · 10h

Run # 1994; COVIS Run # 18; Hare Mountie and Pus Bucket; Sparrow Cricket Ground

Back in lockdown 😢 A well-marked trail set off from the famous SCG (Sparrow Cricket Ground) that looped through the back of Pax Hill and the Woowookarung regional park. Whilst the weather was verging on dodgy, the R.A. managed to step up at the last minute and most participants remained dry (at least from above). The unfortunate re-introduction of Stage 3 restrictions thwarted any hopes of a social drink with Mountie and Pus Bucket at the completion of the run.

Zoom circle #20. Attendees: Spence, Fop, Her Vag, Dumb, Num, Mrs D, Nutcracker, NBCL, Donuts, Headhunter, Quick Dick, SS, Vibes (briefly), Bent, BP, Pauline, Lois, Campaspee, Rowdy, Fascinator, GILF, Teflon, DnC, Mountie, Pus Bucket (briefly) and Normal

It should also be noted that this Zoom Circle clashed with the Cats vs Saints footy game and I had one eye on the television. This added to the scribing degree of difficulty as I tried to maintain an eye and ear on the television throughout the Zoom circle.

The Zoom Circle once again began with a cacophony of simultaneous conversations, making it difficult for this poor scribe to keep up. Masks were a general theme of the initial conversations, with Campaspee commenting that it now feels weird not to be wearing one. Mountie agreed and added that when she wears her mask she sometimes forgets she also has her helmet on. Apparently she finds herself walking through the hospital corridors looking like a disabled kiddie with special needs.

Bent Nose’s Screw began just as Gary Rohan kicked his second goals to increase the Cats lead to 12 points. Bent was pleased that only Mountie was present for this screwing, as he wasn’t looking forward to sharing with the screw with Pus Bucket (how very old fashioned of you Bent).

The Screw began with, “Sparrow located once again in the fabulous south east, but things quickly turned to shit,” and proceeded with a pictorial show of the numerous varieties of stool, scat and spoor present on trail. The bush setting with numerous "Black Boys and Heaths" was commended, as was the hill that caused Lois’s downfall. (This slippery slop will henceforth be known as “Lois’ Mound”)

No Drinks Stop completed the shitty theme and brought back memories of infamous past trails set by Squizzy.

Score < 0.05% (no one got drunk)

(By this stage Hawkins and Rohan had both kicked their 3rd goals and the Cats has assumed a 17 point lead at half time.)

Sniffycunt runs: DnC complained that no one had texted her because the number posted on Facebook last week was wrong. (In future call 0412650477 for a good time).

Random sniffycunt runs included: SS 1227, NBCL 33, Head Hunter 133, Quick Dick 130, Teflon 207, Campaspee 37 and GILF 319.

Quick Dick reassumed his duties as Sergeant declared that this run ought be renamed “Forrest Dump”!

First charge was to Lois Lane for bringing the trail home with her.

Then Evil was charged for the doggy “Hannibal Lecter Mask” – apparently is was there to protect Campaspee’s dogs.

Head Hunter charged Mrs D for making masks out of bras

Bent was charged for his lack of “Man Bag” – this was rebounded and evidence of said Man Bag was posted on Facebook (thanks BP) not there

Bent charged Dumb for not picking up the old engine block on trail

Spence charge Dumb for the Thomastown car wreckers industrial fire; they had too many old batteries on site. Dumb said his workshop is safe, they only keep about 100 on site and they sell the rest to Beirut

Pauline charged Lois for her infamous failed climb up Lois' Mound; she almost made it to the top and Pauline saluted as she slid face down all the way to the bottom.

Apparently a couple of 4WDers witnessed this spectacle from the top of the mound whilst waiting for to complete her reverse skeleton slide. (possible future Spectacle Award nominee)

Teflon charged Donuts for the perfect donut in the carpark

Sam Menegola kicked the first goal of the second half; Cats now up by 24 pts

Mountie charged Fascinator as Her Fanny said he was too busy to go on the hash run … obviously he wasn’t working on the weather!!!

Mrs D revisited NBCL’s name, suggesting that Forrest Dump would be more appropriate. Rowdy rebounded saying that everyone wanted to be a Nut’s Bush Clitty Licker!!

Rowdy charged the Prince of Pomposity (Bent) for his mispronunciation of Woowookarung

Spencer Hocking was asked why he hadn’t had a haircut since the beginning of lockdown; apparently he hadn’t found a barber with 1.5m scissors (suggestions that he looked like either Gandalf or a 1970’s porn star)

Nutsy was charged for knitting in the Hash circle

Vibes was charged for being SS’s waiter and delivering wine on command

Mountie also charged Vibes for her immaculate run wardrobe (Mountie had secretly hoped that Vibes would fall face first in the mud like Lois)

Zach Touhy goaled and the Cats were now 31 points up just as the Zoom time ran out…

Next week’s run: Rotunda near brown hill pub, Hare is Pebbles

Feel free to through in some money to the hash tin at the end of lockdown (Bent wasn’t sure that some of the oldies will make it that far; Mrs D suggested that they could pop it in their wills)

For clarity; DnC’s phone number is 0412650477, message her when you’ve completed the run.

For even more clarity; Cats beat Saints by 59 points, Hawkins 5 goals, Rohan 4 goals. (Go Cats)

Jason Kelly

Admin · 2h

Run #1 993; COVID Run # 17– Bad Hair Day and Mynie from Sovereign Hill Lookout/Carpark.

We once again were treated to a magnificent winter weekend (thanks R.A.), with a trail that encompassed Peady St reserve, greater Mt Pleasant and Canadian Lakes. This 6.5km trek finished at the residence of BHD where everyone was treated to a fare of party food and cold drinks. Those lucky enough to be there at dusk were also treated to the stunning sunset views overlooking the Greater Ballarat area.

Unfortunately there was an ominous feeling that this weekend would be our last for a while, and this was confirmed late Sunday arvo when out Premier announced another 625 coronavirus cases and then locked us all down for 6 weeks.

Zoom Circle # 19 was a quieter affair with a number of apologies from those taking the opportunity to get out and about for the last time in 6 weeks. Those in attendance included: Spence, Fop, SS & Vibes (briefly before they went out for birthday celebrations – Happy Birthday S.S.!! 🎂), Teflon, NBCL, Nutsy, Bent, BP, Lois, Pauline, Donuts, Nummy, Dumb, DnC, Fascinator, Dim Wit, Campaspee, Fang, Rowdy, and a late Silic who was “just putting in a small cameo” (this was met with a multitude of comments comparing Silic’s body mass with his “small cameo” call)

The Zoom circle began with a display of masks; Spencer sported a homemade milk bottle devise “and if you undo the lid you can continue drinking”. Nutsy showed off some of her mask fashions and DnC went the full-face camouflage option. When it was pointed out that the camouflage made her stand out against her Xmas background image she switched to a nature background, which made her look like a pobblebonk in a pond (Eastern Banjo Frog). Dogs were also a minor theme of this week’s Zoom, with Campaspee and Teflon showing off their canine companions. (see pics for masks and puppies)

Formalities began as our Screw, Bent Nose, tried to outdo Dim Wit with a joke… asking the fat lady at the bus stop “when’s it due” (groans from all in attendance).

He redeemed himself with his “hareless screw” of “Worst Hare” Day’s trail:

‘Set off from the Superlative South East along a track the Briar Fox didn’t know existed, following trumpet shaped trail past Bent’s Alma Mata; P.S. 1436 (Mount Pleasant Primary). Tress, Heales and Morton streets all brought back memories for Bent, as did the venture through the “Plannies” (pine plantations). Trail emerged at Canadian (Greater Mt Pleasant) and incorporated Sawyer Ave (nothing but swamp - points off), the bridge where Rats Arse had previously crashed (traumatic memories) and Poverty Point, where a weeping power pole monument marked George Pell’s lament.’

The drinks stop was highly commended with particular praise for the party pies and sausage rolls, though the dog fight was somewhat unpalatable (Bad dog, Evil, no biscuit).

Final Score: 10²-9² = 19

DnC was called on for SniffyCunt runs and she politely responded, “I don’t have the Bloody Book!!”. Lois Lane, who was in possession of said bloody book, acknowledged Mynie and Just Cum’s 13th runs, Donuts’ 760th run (in ends in a donut) and Spence’s 1221st run last, an achievement worthy of a T-shirt (see pic)

Rowdy was a very reluctant late call up for Sergeant… charges from the run:

Bent charged Rowdy for choosing to run 27km instead of the Hash run.

Bent was charged for taking a phone call from Rear Entry (because he knows everything)

Nummy charged Quick Dick in absentia – Dim Wit held a wire fence open for Quick Dick and the girls to get through. Quick Dick repaid the favour for Dim Wit only to let go of the bottom wire when Dim Wit was half straddled. The recoiling wire almost gelded Dim Wit, who subsequently rolled all the way down the hill in pain.

Dim Wit rebounded the charge to Nurse Nummy for refusing to administer first aid to his wounded member

Nutsy took a phone call from DnC during their run late Monday night; “Why are you running in the dark?” asked DnC. “Because we were waiting for you,” replied Nutsy. Obviously communications have broken down since DnC has been shafted from the Hugh Heffner (NBCL) mansion.

Just before time run out we were asked to remember two important things:

1. Please confirm with your details on the Hash Contacts list (how many “T” are in Mattthew??)

2. Please adhere to the new COVID-19 restrictions on the upcoming runs, including masks for walkers, 2 people maximum, no congregations at the drinks stop, no book. If you wish for your run to be recorded in the book please message DnC at the completion of your run on 0412650447

Next week’s run: Mountie’s “Little Sparrow” run, Sparrow Ground Reserve, Richards St Ballarat