Bevan Kelly

t1d2Spondsocreidh  · 

Donut’s runs hash consistently. Never is there a full committee. So, when too many committee members had shown up, he took one for the team and left Fascinator in charge. When you’re trying not to fuck up, that’s a bad way to go about it.

Since being the scribe is the hash equivalent of being Ingsoc’s Ministry of Truth, Mountie can be safely assured that the run did not leave 15 minutes late. The run was a short and sweet 3 and a 1/3 kilometre run through all two of Learmonth’s noteworthy destinations, a hill top look out and the sometimes sailing lake (not this time). Upon returning, Fascinators attempts at imitating Spencer’s numerical flow left him with dual classification of being enumerate and innumerate. Welcomes back include the Republic of Rwanda, Quick Dick, Ms Retched, Teflon, GILF, and (conveniently the week after the Women’s March) ScoMo. At this point, Fascinator slipped right back into his role as grand master and uttered “I already fucked up there” (get a life). Sniffy cunt runs for the evening included the Bill, who pulled a Matrix Reloaded and got a 69 between the 1 and the 0 (1690), as well as Campaspe, who, on 68, is gearing up for her first 69 (your down down song, it isn’t very long). It was at this point in the evening that Fascinator noted that he was certain to be lambasted.

And lambasted he was, by our screw Bent Nose. In the 1920s, Henry Ford said of his new automobiles “Any customer can have a car painted any colour that he wants so long as it is black”. Taking a que from Mr Ford, Fascinator told us to expect a run that would be followed by the greatest drink stop and greatest barbeque hash had ever seen. You can have anyone you like, so long as it’s the run. Bent noted that the run went down Morton Street, an attempt on Bent’s own ego. I myself missed the reference, but unlike the Phillip Henry with which it shares its name, I’m not opposed to jokes about Morton Street. The run was label distinguished, with walkers finding trail on their way, as well as the innovative use of a white capped mushroom as a trail marker. Bent lauded the location following the walker’s decision to walk along the dried lake, an idea that was promptly abandoned less than 15 metres later. Returning to his binary system of yester weeks, Bent Nose awarded the run a 0. He then promptly removed 74 marks in honour of the uphill kilometres he didn’t have to run, leaving a final grade of -74 (shitty trail).

It was then time for the long awaited return of hashes screw, Quick Dick. Proceedings kicked off with discussions of the sausage. Whilst Dr Death had been lambasted himself for getting too keen and burning some, GILF was questioned about being on her third sausage, without going near the barbeque (he’s hungry?). Shafted was also charged at this time. Following an encounter with some ravenous dogs on the run, we finally witnessed something that moved slower than his horses. Stitch the dog was also charged for looking like Bent Nose, but also Tom Hanks, after his defecation on the run left him Forrest Dump. Rwanda took the drink for him, presumably making her Robin Wipe. Head Hunter was also bought forward. It was noted that her comments on the run were a bit lewd, as she began comparing the various mounts to her fellow harriets, equating hill size to the sizes of her fellow ladies, yet she did not tell us was blow hard (publicly pissed on).

Num Num was also bought forward and a familiarly request was made. Since her promotion to an immuno nurse, surely, she could smuggle some jabs into hash to assist the Bill and SS. The charges then turned to hash gear. Not a lack of, but the presence of Campaspe’s tag still on her shirt. She was then joined by failed martial arts guru Chuck Lee, who had been complaining about the food they received upon returning from holiday and staying in quarantine, which would be nothing compared to Dr Death’s barbeque. The doctor himself also had a celebrity look alike. Whilst gathering bread to cover for Fascinator’s fuck up, the doctor returned resembling SEN 1116 host and occasional football legend Dermot Brereton (U.G.L.Y).

Ever the one for highbrow humour, Dumb informed us all that Pennyfartyhing’s niece had recently becoming the butt of a mechanics joke. Named Ellen, she had recently tied the note with a man, surnamed Key. Ever the gentlemen too, Dumb, alongside Bent Nose, were applauded for falling behind the pack to take a piss on the walk. They were similarly mocked for their confidence that anyone would have looked. The Bad Head Job was also charged (Precious will do) for his overly enthused musical performance at the mall, whilst Teflon was called out for pretending to complete the run. When he noted that he at least ran up the hill, Quick Dick sternly informed him that everyone who has ever run in Learmonth has ran up that same hill (you’re stupid). As the night drew on and the fire burnt longer, Shafted was again put forward to applaud the fact that he had successfully removed all the smoke from the fire by relocating the smoke to the barbeque. It’s at this point I’d like to say “Fuck Normal” cause he won’t have read this far. There were also talks of a new Mazda 3, belonging to Head Hunter and Quick Dick, but since cars are on average 1,324 times heavier than a shoe, they just drank out of their cups instead. And to close the charges, Bent Nose regaled the tale of an overly enthused Fascinator arriving at the drink stop and asking for “an F” and then asking for “an A”, with Bent more than prepared to give him sweet FA (no, no, no).

Like most weeks, next weeks run might be at Slatey Creek and there might be a committee. Donuts and his committee have shown great strength when displaying their true ‘might’. There might be a sergeant, there might be a screw, there might be a grand master. Only next week will tell. And finally, if anyone has any issue with the factual validity of this blog, please consult the hash equivalent of the Ministry of Love, which is drinking so much piss on the Mystery Bus tour that you damage your medial temporal lobe.

10Jason Kelly, Jacki Fowler and 8 others

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