Bevan Kelly

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Run # 2107, 5 September 2022.

Road Runner from the North Britain

It’s time… for the biggest run of the year… apparently.

Described as a “Cast of thousands”, the Road Runner managed to bring everyone out for a night of running, drinking and Looney Tunes.

Welcomes backs included Pimp, Zig, Spencer Hocking, SOS, Beer Fuck and Campaspe. But the biggest welcome back went to the highly elusive, rarely seen but oft mentioned, near complete committee. Quoting MLK, the GM PUsbucket thanked God declared himself free at last from the constant stand ins. (Get a life)

Hash said hello again to the running Campaspe. Although, this Campaspe apparently didn’t run, simply walking. But she did ask those who did the run. She was advised there quite a few on backs, before advising that the walker trail looked kinda like a BBQ spatula. She also noted that quite a few people had made surprise returns, and commended Road Runner for properly catering the drink stop for these unexpected attendees. (Shitty trail)

Then came the big news of significant runs. Head Hunter has reached 200 runs, with Quick Dick quoting “it’s about time slacker”. But this paled in the significance of Boner’s first official run as a Ballarat Hasher. (20 toes)

Pusbucket then gave the run down of the barflies evening. He described Rear Entry going about his usually affairs before heading to the drink stop at SOS’s. Once there, everyone went to admire the cute baby, before Rear Entry showed up and made the baby cry. Pusbucket then spoke of Tommy Half a Bar telling Barlicker “If you could learn to cook, we wouldn’t need to go out for dinner so much. Or, if you could learn to wash, we wouldn’t have such a big laundry bill” to which Barlicker responded “That’s alright Tom, if you could learn to fuck, we could get rid of the gardener”. (U.G.L.Y)

Pusbucket then described the elegant sufficiency of sergeants that Hash had found itself with. QD was instructed to start, allowing the out of form Spence to get his charismatic mojo back before joining in.

QD added to the scribe’s description of the run, explain that Road Runner may have been describing his penis when he described the run. “Small, well-marked, and mostly on backs”. The Bill joined him for “alcohol abuse” being told “you know what you did”. Dr Death and Pimp rounded out the motley crew as Pimp had appeared on the TV and the only Hash shout out he gave was to Dr Death (one doctor). (He’s the meanest)

SS was then bought out the front in memory of Splash’s recently departed wife. (Give us an aye)

SOS and SS were bought out for a father’s day charge, seeing as they were both the oldest and youngest father’s in attendance. Tommy was charged for trying to watch “Farmer wants a wife and mistaking it for Farmer wants a Ewe”. Lois Lane bought herself out the front when she told the joke; “what did the cross eyed circumciser get? The sack”. (Mrs Murphy)

Beer Fuck then told a very long joke about Tommy Half a Bar working in a sex shop. It was funny, but we don’t have all day. This scribe is already late and we gotta cut corners to make up the time. But trust me, it was funny. DnC joined Tommy for showing up late and still catching. In fact, it was stated that various Hashers could hear her calling out “On on” from the back. That was until she got closer and it was realised that she was saying “hey Siri”. Road Runner was bought out the front with a thank you for the girly drinks and their accompanying pregnancy warning. (B I M B O)

Shafted then made a visual gag that somewhat didn’t work and charged Bent Nose for it. You had to be there. Shafted was charged for training a winner horse, but not giving a tip to Dr Death who pays half the training fees. (No no no)

Wee Problem was charged for being a premiership player, with Nut Bush Clitty Licker being charged as the coulda been back to back to back coach if he didn’t decide to fuck off. Wee Problem got another charge for making 100 games. And, in the peak of Hash comedy, Rear Entry was asked to sing the Richmond song. (We are Geelong)

Zig was charged for driving up from Geelong and knocking on Tommy’s old address. Big Dog joined him on a hypothetical. If dogs have a legendary sense of smell, why do they need to shove it up another dogs ass? (Finnish drinking song)

The Master Baiter was then charged for hosting an orgy at his house. BHD was bought out as a representative for vaccinations. Num and Dumb joined then. It was regaled that Dumb had asked Num “was I first man you made love to?” to which Num responded “were you backstage at the Rolling Stones concert”. Boner closed out the charges. With everyone making a big deal about someone bringing Boner to one run, Precious mentioned it wasn’t a big achievement, he’s bought a boner to 217 runs. (down down down)

 

Bevan Kelly

Admin

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Run # 2106, 29 August 2022.

Pusbucket from the Grapes Hotel

It’s time… for the safe security of Hash. No more long winded and excessively complicated runs in Creswick. Instead, we’re back to the safe security of the Grapes hotel.

The proceedings began with a visual gag that only somewhat didn’t work. The GM showed off a newspaper clipping singing the praises of the fabulous east.

Welcomes backs to Pauline, The Master Baiter, Quick Dick, Head Hunter and Penny Farthing. This joined by the celebration of Quick Dick’s 200th run. (Get a life)

Praise was sung to the RA, Nutcracker, who also managed to keep the torrential rain at bay for Hash. (B.I.M.B.O)

But the most important moment of the night came with Bad Hair Day’s induction into the illustrious guild of the Barflies. When asked of his experience, BHD stated he would probably barfly again. (No no no)

Tommy Half a Bar however, was chastised for missing the barflies yet again. He was joined by Boner who was another Welcomes Back absent during the first go through. (The crease of his pants)

The preamble was bought to a close by more talk from the Barflies. Spartacus had suggested that Rear Entry align his business model to suit his political beliefs and rename from Greene TV to Teal TV. Rear Entry suggested you put an S on the front and you’d be pretty on the money. (You’re stupid)

Nut Bush Clitty Licker was the stand in screw due to the unseasonal dry nature of the Campaspe. NBCL described the run as expanding in number and girth and going southward, before heading northward. The run was termed “well marked… as well marked as a seals face”. NBCL thought he saw a mirage at the end of the run and had been transported back to 1297, but it was just the LARPers. (Shitty trail)

And in the theme of safe security, Hash returned to the safe security of having a semblance of a committee. Quick Dick stood up as the Sergeant looking exceptionally like the Michelin man in his 200th run shirt over a puffer jacket. Mrs D was the first charge, having alluded to the trail going in one direction and then back again. She stated the trail felt reminiscent of Spartacus, aptly suggesting that Pusbucket may have had a “Spartacus lay”. (Finnish Drinking song)

Normal, Lois and Big Dog were called forward. Again, the LARPers were discussed with Mrs D stating that it was a way to get nerds out and active, to which an unknown hero responded “just like the walkers trail”. (What a wank)

Donuts was charged because Hash was just happy to see him again after his leave of absence. More charges from the run included Precious stopping mid-run to take a piss, Rowdy running with his hand on his dick mid-run, and Mountie stopping at a halt and asking Rowdy “where’s Rowdy”. (They outta be publicly pissed on)

Juscum was charged for standing on the Yarrowee bridge and asking where she was. She then saw White Flat and asked if it was Llanberris. Mountie then started to charge Pusbucket, stating she had set the entire run in Creswick and then she started to get calls and texts and… Pusbucket had left mid-charge which meant a rebound for Moutie. (Get back in the kitchen)

Hash heard about the Billy Goat’s trip to Darwin. Whilst on the plane he sat next to a Mormon. After being offered a beer, the Billy Goat said yes and offered a beer to the Mormon. The Mormon responded “I’d rather be raped by a hundred whores” to which the Bill responded “I didn’t know there was a choice”. Boner was also charged for showing up to the venue for dinner… without realising there was a Hash run on. Quick Dick then told Hash he has a “lengthy one”. This statement has yet to be corroborated. Quick Dick regaled a discussion from the run where Mountie yelled from a Halt “It’s a running club. Head Hunter corrected her that it was a “drinking club with a running problem”. DnC commented that only problem was “not enough drinks” to which Nummy stated, referring to the stragglers , “well here come the dregs, not the drinks”. (This is your down down song)

Pusbucket described reading the Courier and seeing the 50 Years ago section where it described BHD being kicked out of a dance studio. He was reportedly trying to do the fandango and was seen with one hand done a woman’s fan and the other done another woman’s dango. NBCL was charged when Hash noticed Nutcrackers fern leggings and surmised that NBCL had traced every fern with his tongue. (Why were they born so beautiful)

Pauline was charged from the Barflies. He had spoken to Tommy Half a Bar about his heart issues, to which Tommy replied that everyone knows Pauline doesn’t have a heart. The other Kiwis joined him as New Zealand are currently third on the rugby table. (Build a bonfire)

Next weeks run is Road Runner from the North Britain

 

Bevan Kelly

Admin

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Run # 2105, 22 August 2022.

Juscum from the Park Hotel

It’s time… for well utilized synonyms. As such, the hare was an inconvenience… Sorry, I meant to say a Hassle.

Juscum “set” the run, with a little help from Spartacus from the Park Hotel. And weather was anything but kind.

The fill in screw was oddly enough Fascinator, who self-confessed to having not run the trail. In fact, he confessed to not running a trail in a long while. Fascinator detailed the run would have been ideal under different weather circumstances and that the trail may not have been entirely followed as such. Fascinator then did the unthinkable. He was funny. Fascinator told of Juscum applying for the police force. She was asked 3 simple questions. She blitzed the first two: “what’s 2+2” and “what’s 4+4”. But then she was asked “who killed Abraham Lincoln”. Unsure of the answer, Juscum ws told to go home. Upon returning home, Spartacus asked her how she went at the interview, and she said she thought went well and she’s “got her first case”. Fascinator described the run as wet in the start, middle and end, kinda like sex. (Shitty Trail)

Pusbucket then detailed how he had been exploring warmer climates with Big Dog crunching the numbers on the likelihood of moving hash to these areas. Pusbucket described the only two differences to the hash community, no more rain coats, and the charge will increase from $5 to about 2.5 grand for the first few years.

Big welcomes backs were in order. A very big welcome back to Donuts. He was joined by Her Vaj, FOP and Fascinator. (Get a life). Other opening formalities included reminding everyone that the Black Tie was the 8thof October, and it’s $30 for head.

As we have seen many a time before, the GM and the Sergeant were one and the same once again. The first charge went to Juscum, who had a fall at Ladies Hash, but fell straight on her chest and managed to bounce straight back up. (You’re stupid)

GILF was then asked the deep questions of life, if women are so good at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time. The Bill joined. Hash heard of the Billy Goat visiting Dr Rowdy to ask about a male contraceptive. Rowdy showed the Bill a rather pill, to which the Bill asked whether the pill was oral or a suppository. Rowdy informed the Bill that you simply put the pill in your shoe and it makes you limp. (No no no)

Criss Cross then told us all how Normal combines AFL, endangered species and politicians. He went on a semantic ladened discussion about Menzie’s playing for Essendon. I’m sure at least one person understood it. (They outta be publicly pissed on)

Juscum was charged again, this time for her punctuality, having arrived at Ladies Hash a whole 7 days early. Rowdy joined her, being charged for wearing his Collingwood gear while Collingwood played on repeat on the TV behind him. (This is your down down song)

Tommy Half a Bar then came out the front. It was stated that Tommy had also seen Dr Rowdy for a gastric issue. Rowdy asked Tommy if his bowel movements were regular. Tommy responded that they ran like perfect clockwork, happening at 8am every morning. Only issue is that he wakes up at 9am. (You’re stupid)

Tommy then stayed out the front as Pusbucket told a joke. He told us all of how Tommy’s car had broken down on the way back from Hash and he was stuck in Clarendon. He went towards a house with a light on. After knocking on the door, a man informed Tommy that he would need to stay the night. The man said “I sleep in one bed. You’ll have to sleep with my young, beautiful, blonde haired, 21 year old… son” to which Tommy responded “fuck, I’m in the wrong joke”. (The creases of his pants could make a blind man cum and the fleece on his ewes weighs a fucking tonne)

Juscum was charged yet again, much to her enjoyment, for trail setting. Donuts did not see a single piece of trail. It was raised that he arrived after the run, but all charges stick. Juscum then mentioned that Spartacus should’ve given her a little more, which everyone was certain he would like to do. (20 toes)

It was mentioned that Juscum dressed in a manner similar to a condom on the run, and had Spartacus have dressed with a condom as well, Juscum wouldn’t have had a UTI… Sorry, I meant to say Wee Problem. (Finnish drinking song)

Mountie was the bought out the front for asking how you keep people in suspense, before deciding to tell everyone next week. Juscum was charged when she was overheard to ask at the drink stop “who would put this shit in a drink stop”. Mrs D and Criss Cross joined them after Mrs D maligned the arthritis ridden Criss Cross on the run. Teflon also joined them for his sporting achievement of running the City Reserve, with only 20,000 people finishing ahead of him. (They’re stupid)

After taking em away, the GM/Sergeant was charged for taking on another secret portfolio. The committee was then bought out the front, to which is was decided they were more together than Essendon. (S.C.O.M.O)

It was close to meals, so the beer needed to be drunk. So logically FOP was charged, as it was a long way to his doctorate, but not as long as Carlton winning back respectability. (His one skin)

Now, luckily the scribe was done late, otherwise y’all would’ve gotten the longest explanation about next weeks run ever… only for the run to change a few days out. Filling in the scribe late isn’t an act of laziness, it’s an act of ingenuity.