RUN 1661: Battler’s Tavern Hare: The Billy Goat 5 May 2014

The Baton was passed to THE BILL for his run as a warmer-upper for his GM input in the shared reign of Sovereign Hash, GOLD and COPPER.  BENT KNOWS insistently persistently pedantically maintained the baton was in fact a truncheon but who passes a truncheon? (They pass a conch in BAITS favourite book Lord of the Flies which he now knows is not Lord of the Rings). 

Having gotten over their tummy aches some youth returned. That and the added attraction of a female first timer, a good group of vibrant athletic types set off on the BILL’S run.  Down along Main Road and up along the creek - back to the Town and City Missionary position. (How Far King Street?) – Up the hill past Australia Felix and Eureka Street where MOUNTY pointed out it seemed wrong for a trooper to wander near the site of the rebellion against unjust institutionalised licence fees that were a disincentive to individual entrepreneurial endeavours to join the pursuit of GOLD. (That seems like and a celebration of capitalism, did some mob hijack the flag?) There was however soothing harmony in the musical notes on the iron fence on the opposite corner!  Rimming the REAR ENTRY of ST Alipius, almost to DUMB and NUMS, drink stop in the car boot (the body was gone) behind the former OOMPH RAY St School. Feet/hands/swollen glands on Buggery Hill led by the queer master.  On in to the Tavern.

The BILL looked both dignified and official in his blue light Bobby Hat lauding over those on his beat.  He ruled as hard as an IRON ROD smashing down on dissenters with his Baton/Truncheon/Waddy (nice pet name that). He revelled in his task of formally welcoming the nubile NEWRUNNER CAROL. Is it Christmas?

NUMMY however was nominated for the task of screwing the BILL. After initially rolling her eyes she threw herself feverishly into the mission (ary position) and ground away on the Billy Goat who went cross-eyed with his tongue hanging out. He thought all his Christnum’s had cum at once.  It’s easy to imagine what DUMB sees IN NUM and what a lot of us would like to see in NUM.

Again, all the way from Paraburdoo, came HEAVY’S harmonic guidance led in with the whistling intro to the tune of “BILLY DON’T BE A HERO” re-worded to reflect insightful understanding, compassion and respect of the definitive character of our BELOVED BILL.  Like good hasheroos, the hole (sic) crew joined in the chorus.

Seargeant SPENCE allowed NNNORMAL to take the floor.  For once enthralling, he read from his new book, “COMEDY of ERRORS” that he saw fit to Dick Tate to his Thai pissed at work. FLUID MOVEMENT as the central character was a bit rusty last week after her absence, and with the added excitement of grog master duties, she nervously resorted to her old “Man Trap” (in this case her “Old Man Trap”) trick of locking the keys in the car. (The same trick successfully employed by SILIC’NT on BEIJING JULIE some years ago at a DONUT run). NORMAL was the reluctant Knight in Shining Umm Err as supporter and first hand witness to the string of stuff-ups, perhaps the title should be “The Dumino effect”.

FLUID MOVEMENT also got her 100th run Pewter mug that the BILL salubriously slipped in without fuss or fanfare.  SOS still finds it Hard to LET GO of control, criticising the BILLS presentation skills for a job that, like his fly, he had left half undone.

Looks like No Hard Feelings with PUSS and SPARTACUS having make-up drinks with P-WIT PHIL in his new position with OLD COL. 

BIGGSYMIST his drink so was pinged with the last Down Down.  All thanked him and the MISSUS later for their warm, welcoming, hospitality and recommended he consider doing it for a living.

Next week GLIDER of the Lillies @ Rear undercover car park CIVIC HALL   What Time? Sick Dirty

RUN 1660: 11 Park Street Hare: Mrs Dickhead and major minors, 28 April 2014

After finding a street park in Park Street between the wheeely buns, we headed out back of the house to the cosy shed then off we set on run 1660……around the streets of Newington and with another visit to Vic Park fringe without dwelling too long. So close to Beer Fkucs but no stop at as the party is over!

Back home to the Heaters where REAR ENTRY had relationship troubles and couldn’t reunite the Gas Bottle and the BBQ.  SPENCE sorted it all as he found the Bottle and the BBQ were both young boys and he got them successfully connected.

Welcomes Back to FLUID MOVEMENT after a month AWOL she didn’t understand Anzac day and spent all Autumn figuring how we May have a March in April.  No BP or BENT in their patch despite all efforts to have the run starting on their side of Pleasant Street.

In the absence of the regular SCREW, ROWDY gladly volunteered to do the deed for Mrs D.  High in praise was he, nice tight run around the rim of residential area, a little bush, park, back lanes, to the ample drink stop in the Wagon, definitely not on the Wagon.  from ample Mrs D.  Indeed, why the BOTOX in the lips?  Facts are harder to believe than fiction…..Mrs D had a fight with a Chihuahua which had BITTEN her lip while she was setting the Run. Mrs D reckons, “You should have seen the Chihuahua.”

After the drink stop DUMB tried to abscond with Mrs D’s car keys thinking he’d taken the key to her chastity belt nonny nonny, chastity belt nonny nonny (and not knowing a locksmith he was thinking outside the box).

The other song, the other song!  Arriving by airmail in the form of a paper plane all the way from Paraburdoo were HEAVY’S  lyrics by which to screw;  “I’M MRS DICKHEAD” to the tune of “I AM WOMAN”

…… “Oh yes I am wise, And I can be a pain

But I was born a teacher and have superior brain”………If I don’t have to, I won’t do anything……..I am Strong (Strong) I am Invincible (Invincible) I’m Mrs Dickhead (wooooooooo).  

Imagine the Back-up echoes CHOOK warbled in a KIWI accent by BIRD, LOIS LANE, we thought the song a hit and likely to take-off until the rendition was rendered flightless.

Seargeant SPENCE stepped up to head proceedings;      -Recalling the pleasured droolings of the perveyors of last week’s Stick books. Wondering why BAIT complained about the Blacking out of the cocks and hearing that REAR ENTRY’s Icing on the Cake turned out to be a Soft Serve. He was allowed a lolly water beer down down.  His mate SILIC’s correct ID of the Wall-nuts showed that he’s still got it.    BOOTROOTER and PUSS BUCKET returned, arm in arm, glassy eyed from a session together (the Pub, not the Park surely, though still enough to make a Gladiator jealous)

FLUID MOVEMENT was made to drink the remainder of the crap lolly water beer DOWN DOWNS along with NORMAL to make sure they, as Joint GROGMASTERS, get a more proper beer next time.

Next week The BILL@BATTLERS with BOOZE By BIGGS (pre-paid for as his credit’s cracked)

RUN 1659 - 21st April 2015 219 Coalmine Road Lal Lal Hares: Half a Bar and Bar Liquor

It was Easter Monday and many of the Hash Kids were home sick with Tummy aches from too many Easter Eggs.  Luckily a stoic mob of Hash stalwarts enthusiastically attended what was the Maiden Run from the new venue.  A prime piece of real estate with shelter, sheds, fire, power, warmth, BBQ, beer, wine, a bit of Bush and no nearby neighbours to piss off. Even HALF A BAR had to really work to stuff this one up.

TOMMY sent Runners one way, ambiguous trail cross the railway line and back to drink stop, must have misread signs!   HE lost the serious walkers as they wanted to go further than a par three and thus embarked on a power walk almost to the pub where there was no SNAGS (sick), nor SPARTACUS (Beach)…so they say.

After the drink stop nest tended by BAR LIQUOR with beer and choccies, it was On Home to where REAR ENTRY was entertaining SILIC at the camp fire by putting MOREWOOD on.  Walkers returned in dribs and drabs like Brown Cows or Spielvogel’s Sheep.

SILIC, expert at Keeping the Meat, advised an in shed BBQ would be required to cook the MASSIVE steaks that HALF a BAR had arranged (to over compensate for the previous Jerky thin though tasty protein wafers).  An impromptu sub-committee of many was formed to advise DUMB how to level up the barby so the Fat ran the right way.

Well comes Back and BP and BENT who found Pleasant Street too busy to cross for last week’s run and for PAULINE lured by the promise of a sing-song around the camp fire (and cos LOIS has no sense of direction and would never find her way home).

After pointing out that Half a Run was over quicker than two Half walks, HEAVY handed down the score for a harmonic screw of HALF a BAR’s efforts to his favourite tune of KENNY ROGER’s Gambler;  most particularly;

“There’ll be time enough for sheep-shaggin’ ………when the shearin’s done!

Seargeant SPENCE ensured HALF had twice as many down downs as anyone due to his countless deficiencies. (Bar Liquor later informed that even though there was a short-cut/ back-way home, HALF A BAR had lost ALL sense of erection).

Great meat, well handled by DUMB was a sumptuous feast accompanied by home-made coleslaw. NO BREAD was the greatest sin.  Cosy shed and camp fire drinking, music and singing, continued for the evening.  An uncovered stash of old style, very graphic stick books which raised a degree or two of interest from the cultured senior male attendees was  the icing on the cake.  Please return the missing books, no names no pack drill.

Coalmine Road was practically unanimously proclaimed a terrific winner as a great venue for bush based runs for 2014.

Next week is at MRS D’s 11 Park Street residence up toward the Markets.

My apologies to all at Hash. It has been brought to my attention that the beer that was left in the house in which I live, is in fact required at an alternate abode and will thus not be available for consumption on Monday night. There will however still be the usual fare and Maxi liquor is just over the road for anyone who doesn't get this message. 

'

Mrs D 

Run 1658 : Bunch of Grapes Hare: Bootrooter

First run of new regime, THE BILL confirmed run number 1658!! SHAFTED prematurely announced welcomes back to FASCINATOR, also PEBBLES after doing Kiddies run through the tunnels of Melbourne.

BOOT ROOTER was making excuses even before the run that there were no on-backs as we are all too old for that….confirmed by the presence of his mobility scooter parked at the on-on. Despite the absence of on-backs to keep the running pack together, it was a fair run into the depths of Vic Park (where BOOT is suspected of having a half-way halt pondering the length of it).  Park residents were back at night time and on seeing a horde of torch bearers bearing down upon the barers, several cars suddenly switched on their lights and promptly departed thinking the mob of hashers could have been bashers?

Past the sheep sales on to the Brake factory where there was no stopping until DS at Ms D’s house with kids, lollies, trampoline, Wise Men, and more importantly Beer.

On Home through the Park and soccer goals where elder statesman, SS claimed his only goals were long life and enjoying good health. He’s done it all.

Significunt runs down downs were a free69 for the disappearing FOP (taken by Immac Concept), 77 for his other Precious son, 5.6.7 for Rear Entry, all three imbibing agua.

The HEAVY handed screw of BOOT ROOTER effort was to the tune of Beverley hillbillies cleverly rhyming SLACK with BEHIND YOUR BACK but overall Fostering Goodwill with Harmony.

After athletically leading the run with the HHorn, retired twice serving GM SOS was loitering as far from the centre of the circle as possible but on being drawn in with a charge tried to re assert his authority by calling the shots. The HALF-a-choir master forgot himself, couldn’t see past his peaked cap and shouted down Sergeant SPENCE.  He redeemed himself later by bringing the teacher an apple and presenting SHAFTED with BAR LIQUOR’s home-made fig Jam, labelled Fuck I’m Good – Just Ask Me.

Thanks go to Bunch of Grapes, their friendly welcoming staff and lovely meals, PLUS the sound proof door behind which we could freely express ourselves.

Next week is Easter Monday. Half a Bar’s & Liquor’s run from NEW EXITING venue 219 Coalmine Road Lal Lal.  Shelter Shed, Fire, Power, Warmth, BBQ, Drinks on Ice from Trailer, a bit of Bush. Even Tommy will be challenged to stuff this one up?  

RUN 1657 AGM JeSOS Save Me Last Run Hare; SOS

“And now, the end is near, and so I face the final curtain”, we recalled the booming Tom Waits esque voice of SOS singing Frank Sinatra’s Myyy Wayyy on the Awards Night.

Visiting dignitaries, HAVACHAT, GM from D&E and BONER from Western Suburbs were welcomed with a drink.

We don’t usually over-concern ourselves with birthdays, but, as these were so auspicious HAPPY BIRTHDAY down downs went to SOS, SHAFTED and BALLARAT SOVEREIGN HHH turning 31 (REAR ENTRY must have taken the down downs for Hash as on settling the down down account it was revealed he had taken it upon himself to chalk up his drinks on the Hash Tab!)

SOS revealed he wouldn’t will dipping his toe in for the turd cumming  and indeed by self-admission and consensus, his reign multiply climaxed during the memorable Mystery Shed Run as was also on the lips of many.

Bar Liquor amazed during interval with her “cleverly constructed, longer than a limerick” ode on her favourite subject Half a Bar and his eternal pursuit of Half a Bargain.

The passing of the baton was completed to SHAFTED who had obviously sought sage advice from a bevy of former leaders and espoused the findings in a dribble of quotes that sounded somewhat similar to past and present PMs rather than GMs culminating in Hash being the “suppository of all humour”.

Oft-times absent  seeking mineral wealth, it was respectfully announced that joint stewardship of the GM role would include THE BILL to form a precious alloy of “GOLD & COPPER”.

RUN 1656 SLATEY CREEK “Midnights’s Run” Hare; ROWDY

The last run of the Daylight saving season, traditionally a commemorative run in memory of MIDNIGHT, one of Sovereign Hash’s long lost souls, (as opposed to the many current lost souls). ROWDY has manfully taken on both the opening and closing of AEDT but we would warmly welcome DRAMBUI and DOGGY BAG playing again.

Slatey Creek campsite has been so widely described by Parks Victoria as a freeby it is usually occupied by numbers roaming blue nomads…BUT this time there were few non-Hash retirees and no retired priests, as a mob of catholic school children had taken root they might squeal, much to SPENCE’S delight.  There was an uncomfortable feeling in the group as their sort are often the BUTT of recriminatory jokes this day of dealing with the sordid past. So HHH abrogated our traditional ownership rights and forlornly abandoned all hopes of turning the little rotunda into our Hash Circle and we set up camp in a cosy clearing on the hill overlooking the creek and rotunda.

Fire site cleared, fire set, trailer of wood in place courtesy of the Hare. BBQ and generator positioned, it was time for the run and for HEAVY to kutifully set about changing the fkn staked tyre on SHAFTED’s blood bus.

A lazy arse self-nominated few set the fire alight and stood guard over the precious wood instead of embarking on the incredibly well set tight little bum run or even the sychronised walk.  Anyway, we all came together as the sun set. (If it sounds idyllic, it was. There is something very satisfying about a night in the bush after a good sweat).

SOS presided over his last bush outing as GM for the second cumming term…will there be a turd cumming??? was the question on every ones lips.

Welcomes Back went out to SILIC and SQUIZZY both having been absent without a note although one had a Doctor’s Certificate.

Without youthful support he once again ceded to the elder brethren to help limp through drinking and singing St Kevin’s take it up the ask someone how it finishes, and other tactful delights. Untacktful was Unty Munty’s attack on an historic view of a stolen Drink Stop or two. I think it is fair to say she and SQUIZ didn’t see eye to eye.  MOUNTY re-focussed to recite the Ode to MIDNIGHT And there was the one about LOIS squatting by a mine shaft and stumbling in, foolishly laying her heart on the table and stumbling in.

And just when you thought the night was waning and the sweat was drying out by the fire, some passing showers visited and the girls got wet again. Some were NUM, some were giggling, and some were moaning….about stolen drink stops again and falling in open holes.

Ahhhhhhh, nice quiet ales and reds by a toasty fire…….. can’t remember the rest!!